| Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth. Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment. We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however. I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good shit. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a shit. I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my ass was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move." For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones ass toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of shit at the exact same second that one's ass is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the piss stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer. I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch. What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over shit no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ass. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since shitting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my ass exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of shit the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ass. But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The shit wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the shit wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of shit remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon. Now, back to the vomit... While all the shitting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in shit that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid shit. All while thick shit was spread all over my ass in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat. And there was no fucking toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had pissed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign. About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left. The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way. When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door. The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten. |
| oh fucks, ok here it goes. Last night I had some burritos, some spicy Chinese and some raspberries, and today I woke up with the worst killing stomach ache ever, it felt like my spine snapped in two and was sticking inside the stomach. So on the way to the toilet I saw a note on the table saying that my parents will be back in 3 hours. I went into the toilet to have the worst diarrhea I could have possibly ever had, with some gastric juice as well. My ass was exploding with shit and when I thought I was finally done 2 hours has gone by. I went to the roll holder only to find that NO PAPER WAS THERE! I was scared like shit when another gun shot was fired from my ass. I decided to make a run for the kitchen where the tissue box was, but before I did I took a look in the toilet. It looked like a big bear was slaughtered and the smell was so bad I covered my nose for the fear of lung cancer and having my alveoli corrupted. I run into the kitchen with shit dripping from my ass to find that THE TISSUE BOX IS EMPTY!!!! What the fuck should I do my parents are going to be here any minute, my ass looks like it's been shelled with nuclear bombs and painted brown, there's pieces of shit on the floor and the toilet needs to be detonated. Fuck Fuck FUCK!! Holy shit, what happened to me was crazy, I ran into my parents room to hide my naked and shit covered self in the only closet in the house (there's only one closet in the house), and I did it just in time too as the front door opened like 10 seconds later. the first thing I heard was my parents walking through putting the groceries on the table and then my mum let out a cry, that's when I think she saw the drops of blood and shit on the floor. they started calling for me and a few minutes later I heard my mum walk into the room and I was like FUCK, because there was stench coming out of my ass, and the inside of the closet was covered in shit and stank like a dead skunk run over by a garbage truck. I saw out of the keyhole that she looked inside and under their bed, and then she headed out, but just as she did I LET OUT ONE OF THE BIGGEST FUCKING ASS EXPLOSIONS EVER. IT FELT LIKE AN ELEPHANT HAD FUCKED ME IN THE ASS FROM THE INSIDE, AND HAD TORN ME 3 NEW ASSHOLES. My mum was like "are you in here??? Hello??" and then she went away. 2 minutes later I heard my dad calling the cops, reporting a missing child and blood on the floor, and as I heard that I was like fuck I have to do something before the cops come and start searching the house and find me naked and covered in shit in my parents closet. I decided to take whatever I could find in the darkness and start wiping myself, and then I put on some pants I found in the dark and some sweater kind of thing and opened the closet door. I wanted to stop my parents calling the cops so I quickly made my way to them, and when they saw me, my mum stopped crying and my dad was like WHAT THE FLYING FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY BUISINESS SUIT AND YOUR MOTHERS PINK SWEATER!?!?? LOOK YOU EVEN GOT CHOCOLATE ALL OVER IT!!! They asked me where I have been and I said I went to the corner store to get some milk, and that all my clothes were dirty so I had to use theirs. They questioned the blood and shit on the floor and all over the toilet, I said as I was leaving the dog showed signs of sickness and probably couldn't make it outside to take a shit so it had exploded with shit. Holy shit, this was the most intense thing I have EVER BEEN THROUGH IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, I took a shower short after and threw the shit covered clothes I was wearing into the washing machine. The water in the shower was fucking brown and I changed the color of the floor of the shower. The lesson is, never, ever, eat raspberries kids. |
| I was constipated and had diarrhea at the same time. Long story short, after 15-20 minutes of intense abdominal pain and my strenuous (but fruitless) attempts, a little nugget popped out, which was blocking what felt like a colon-full of liquid poop. |
| One time when I was visiting some friends and family in DC, I went out drinking and ended up going home with a girl. I'll be honest: this girl was not attractive. But she was into me, and she was there, and perhaps most importantly--she just gave off a blowjob vibe. You know the type; they aren't good looking or exceptional in any way, but they just give off a look that says "I suck dick like I made it up. I was pretty drunk when we got back to her place, but that didn't seem to faze her. We didn't even make it to the bedroom. She grabbed me right as we came in the door, undid my pants as she pushed me onto her white sofa and knelt on the ground in front of me, working me right there in her living room. My god was I right: She blew me away, literally and figuratively. She must have spent at least 20 minutes fellating me, never once taking her mouth off my penis, slurping at the exact right moments in the exact right places. She was so good my ankles even started sweating. God bless whoever taught her. As soon as she finished, she went to the bathroom to wash out her mouth (she's one of those), and I stood up to rifle through my pants pocket and get a condom when I saw the sofa: there was a HUGE skid mark prominently displayed on her WHITE sofa. I laughed at first. Then I remembered that she drove me to her place... and she lived a good 30 minutes away from where I was staying. As the thought of having to hitchhike 45 miles walked through my mind, she appeared out of the bathroom. Fuck. Thinking fast, I put my pants on the sofa and romantically whisked her into her bedroom, where I had to fuck her at least 3 or 4 times to get to go to sleep. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room and flipped the cushion. I wonder if she ever found that stain. |
| hadn't realized how supremely shit-housed I was until we stumbled into our room at the Embassy Suites. You ever been so drunk you forgot that you have to shit until the last minute? Well I was at that stage. I nearly had my pants completely off when SlingBlade snaked past me and got into the toilet first. Fine, I go get out of my bar clothes and change into a t-shirt and pink Gap boxers to sleep in. I wait patiently for about three minutes, then I start pounding on the door, screaming at him that I am going to shit on his bed if he doesn't get out of there. A short time later he opens the door laughing his ass off, and says, "That was perhaps the most prodigious shit ever. I just put that toilet into therapy." I take a gander into the bathroom. It looks like Revelations. The toilet is overflowing, brown shit water is spilling out all over the bathroom floor, and the tank is making demonic gurgling noises. THE MOTHERFUCKER CLOGGED UP A HOTEL TOILET! Hotel toilets are industrial size; they are designed to be able to accommodate repeated elephant-sized shits, and their ram-jet engine flushes generate enough force to suck down a human infant, yet skinny ass 170-pound SlingBlade completely killed ours. I nearly panic. I let loose a flurry of unintelligible curse words at SlingBlade, punctuated by a "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!," and knock over the lamp in my dash out of the room. The turtle is sticking his head out, and he is coming whether I am on a toilet or not. I figure that there must be a bathroom somewhere in the lobby, so I shoot down the hall and hop in the elevator. Once in the lobby I can't seem to spot a bathroom anywhere. So, I head around the corner to the front desk, which doesn't face the lobby. It's about 4am, and no one is at the desk. I furiously hit the bell for at least a minute--CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANG --until some poor lady comes out with sleep lines all over her face and tells me that the bathroom in the corner of the lobby. turn the corner from the front desk into the lobby and realize I don't know which side of the triangular lobby she is talking about. I don't have time to go back and ask her, and I see a white door at the end of the left-hand side, so I quickly waddle towards it. Why am I waddling? Because I have to physically hold my butt cheeks together to prevent myself from crapping all over my pink Gap boxers. I am literally pressing my ass cheeks together with my hands. One of the prouder moments of my life. I nearly bust the door off it's hinges as I plow through it. I hear a loud, "AYYYY!!," that almost literally scares the shit out of me. I jump back to see that this is a janitor's closet, complete with a small Mexican lady janitor. I momentarily contemplate taking a dump in the janitors bucket, but decide against that, mainly because of the presence of said female janitor. I try to be as diplomatic as possible, considering that I am about to crap my pants: Tucker "WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?" Janitor "No, no se habla Ingles." Tucker "WHAT?!? Huh, uh... DONDE ESTA FUCKING BANO?" Janitor "AYA, AYA!" She points across the lobby. About 60 yards from where I am standing, at the complete other end of the lobby, there is a set of doors that have a large "Restroom" sign over them. Right where the front desk lady said it would be, except on the opposite side of the lobby. I have about half a second to make a crucial decision: I can either sprint and hope I make it there before I shit in my boxers, or I can stick my thumb up into my ass and shuffle the 60 yards to lavatory freedom. The decision is simple: I break into a full-on dead-ass sprint. I am a decent athlete, I played football, baseball and basketball in high school, and I stay in good shape. I have run from cops before, I have run from guard dogs, from a legitimate drive-by shooting once while in Kentucky, but I don't think I have ever run that fast in my life. Nothing motivates like the prospect of being covered in human excrement. Unfortunately, I was not fast enough. It went something like this: -20 yards into the run I feel my boxers start to sag. -30 yards into the run, about halfway, I feel my ass crack and legs get noticeably wet. -40 yards into the run, my boxers have slid down to mid thigh. I am struggling to keep it together. -50 yards into the run, I can feel wetness all over me and little specs of something hitting the back of my head and ears. By the time I get to the bathroom door, the end of the 60 yards, I have completely lost it. I am shitting myself. Full on crapping in my pink Gap boxers. I step out of my boxers as I crash through the door. Shit is puddled in the seat. I blindly hurl them away from me, and nearly break the door to the first stall. I plop down on the seat and immediately slide off, because my ass is covered in slimy, runny feces. All the while, my butt hole is spouting forth waste. I finally get situated on the toilet and lose perhaps 20 pounds in the next 2 minutes. During a short respite in my nearly superhuman flow of crap, I notice that the toilet is almost completely full of shit, so I flush. Predictably, the toilet overflows. Great. I move to the next stall, and continue my little adventure, except this time I courtesy flush every few seconds. By the time I finish, I am physically exhausted, completely dehydrated, and my eyes are tearing up from shitting so hard. I laugh at the inadequacy of toilet paper to clean my body. I take my shirt off and see that the back of it is completely covered in little specks of shit that my heels kicked up from the diarrhea that ran down my legs as I ran. I throw the shirt in the trash, and then see the mirror. My pink Gap boxers are crumpled in a ball on the sink, with a thick black streak leading from the top of the mirror down to them. This is their final resting place. Completely naked and covered in my own poop, I chuckle, because at this point if I don't laugh I have to cry. As I open the bathroom door to the lobby, I think to myself, "Who else on earth could be having a worse night than me?" My question is immediately answered. I see a trail of shit, starting very wide at my feet, getting progressively smaller until it apexes at the chunky white shoes of none other than the small Mexican lady janitor. Her eyes met mine. We may have been separated by numerous religious, language and socioeconomic barriers, but the "What the fuck just happened?" expression on her face crossed all boundaries. Now really--picture this scene: I am butt-ass naked, crap plastered all over my ass, legs, back and head, standing about 20 yards away from a Mexican maid, with a trail of black liquid shit leading from her directly to me. What would you do? I wasn't sure. I don't think there is any defined etiquette for this situation. I shrug my shoulders, say, "Uhh, sorry. I mean, uh--lo siento. Good night. Buenos noche--or whatever," and calmly walk to the elevator. From the glass window in the elevator, I can see her sobbing. The rest of the lobby tells me why: Not only had my legs kicked shit up on the back of my ears and head, they had sprayed little specs of poop all over EVERYTHING. The couches, the walls, everywhere. Come to think of it, she wasn't sobbing. I believe "hysterical crying" would be a better descriptive term. Oh well, someone has to clean up my messes, and it sure as shit isn't going to be me. When I get back to the room, SlingBlade is already in bed. He rolls over, takes one look at me and, never one for sympathy, begins laughing uncontrollably. He literally has to stop laughing because he strains his abdominal muscle. It takes him five whole minutes before he can get the words out, SlingBlade "Where--where the fuck are your pants?" Tucker "FUCK YOU ASSHOLE. This is all your fault, Mr. Rhino Dump. If you hadn't had that miscarriage in our toilet I wouldn't be COVERED IN SHIT!" He couldn't stop laughing long enough to respond. I took what remained of my dignity and got in the shower. As I was cleaning the poop off my back, I could hear him yell out: "This is clear proof that there is a God, and he is just!" |
| I forgot to put in the ending of the tucker max story the second one. He ends up getting banned from the hotel chain for life. |
| I lived like 30 minutes away by bike from my school, and I kinda needed to poo when I went home. I had diarrhea all day, but I thought it was okay by now. Probably because I ate 2 pizza's the day before, and dude those pizza's were huge. Anyway, after 15 minutes I finally realized I had to poo really bad. Now you have to understand, I was on a bike on a hot summer day while not being close to a toilet in miles. Can you imagine sitting on your ass, with all the vibrations of the bike pounding against it? Trust me, it's horrible. So after 15 minutes of excruciating pain I finally get home. I drop my bike, run to the front door only to find a small note: "We're at the mall, we'll be back at around 5pm -- mom" It was 1pm. |
| Well, I was at work a while back, working a 10 hour shift. I usually shit at home, but if I have to I'll shit at work. It was one of those days. I get the call from my abdomen that shit was about to go down, so I walk briskly to the bathroom (which is not just an employee bathroom, it's also for customers), which has 2 toilets. Ones handicap and the other is a regular one. The handicap one does NOT lock and the door swings open by itself so I always use the regular one. Anyway, I run into the stall not really paying attention, and I sit down on the can and take one NICE big dump. Upon finishing, I noticed a horrendous smell. So of course I do a courtesy flush. While the toilet is flushing, I'm sitting there enjoying myself after my great big shit. Now at this point, I notice my ass getting oddly cold. WTF?! I look down in horror to see the toilet overflowing! FUCK! I didn't even wipe yet!! And this shit I had just taken by the way was definitely NOT a ghost shit. So I sit there for like 2 seconds trying to figure out what to do. At this point my ass cheeks are getting wet by the water, so I instinctively get up and kind of slouch over so the shit on my asshole doesn't get all over my cheeks. This is when Along Came Polly and the loofah scene. GREAAAT. So, by now, the water is overflowing out onto the floor; I was standing in a puddle of piss and toilet water, with a big ass fucking turd getting ready to flop out onto the floor. I only had one choice: get out of the one stall, with my pants down, cock out, and run to the handicap stall so I could wipe my ass. Luckily there was no one in the bathroom so I went for it. I opened the door and did a 'Keanu Reeves running from the cops in the office building' kind of run to the other stall. I just ran in...(didn't even bother closing the door since it didn't even lock anyway) and slammed onto the toilet seat. I must've wiped my ass in a world record time, because all I could think about was my manager walking in and seeing a toilet overflowing with a pile of shit on the floor, and me naked in the other stall wiping my ass. Needless to say I finished wiping, tucked in my shirt, washed my hands real quick and walked out of the bathroom. I still don't know who found it, but it must've been a messy scene lol. |
| When I was in high school, I had a job at the local grocery store. I was a bagger/cleaner, depending on the day. Well, I live in a small town, so the latest I ever worked was ten, and at that point, the store was devoid of all forms of sentient life, aside from the employees. Anyways, I was in the back of the store, taking out some garbage, when I hear this over the intercom, through what can only be described as the worst attempt I have ever heard of not laughing, "Will the cleaner please come to the front of the store, there has been an...accident" I assume it is a fellow coworker trying to play a prank on me, as it was nearly closing time, and there were not many people left in the store. I get up there to see a strange brown, muddy trail, that started about twenty yards from the bathroom. My manager looks at me, with tears in her eyes from laughing, and tells me that I had better start cleaning. As she says this to me, I turn and look to the bathroom, and what do I see, but an incredibly gross, super-obese woman come out of the bathroom with a triumphant look on her face. Her legs, somehow forced into spandex shorts, are completely covered in shit. Her white shoes were brown. She walks past us with a slight nod as she passed and said "Someone made a mess in the bathroom, i think it should be cleaned" I then wanted to kill this woman more than anything in the world, she was a horrible beast, that even Orc Fucker wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. After spending the better part of an hour cleaning outside the bathroom, I dared a peek inside. Now, I can handle a lot of things, but one look in this bathroom made me vomit all of my organs, and even possible some bones. There was shit and blood, literally everywhere. The floor, the walls, the ceiling. The ceiling for christ sakes!!! I don't know what unholy beast decided to torment my life that night, but it looked like the shit demon from Dogma exploded, but with blood. I am honestly convinced the lady went in the bathroom, bent over and just let loose as she ran about the room. I promptly walked to my manager (who had been counting registers) and said "Well, I'm all finished cleaning. I am going to take off now" She said that was fine, and apologized for what I had to do. As I walked out the door, i turned to her and said "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, The soap needs to be replaced in the bathroom, and I don't have the storeroom key, can you do that for me?" I then left the store with a very revolted, yet satisfied grin upon my face. Needless to say, I got a VERY angry phone call when I got home. The only reason I didn't lose my job is that where I worked, if there was any trace of blood, a manager had to be the one to clean it up for sanitation reasons. Thank god for stupid rules. |
| My senior year of High School I worked at Arbys, and every single day at the end of my shift I had to go into the bathroom and clean all the shit that was guaranteed to be plastered to the seats of the toilets. However, one day, it was a bit different. The outside of the single toilet in the mens bathroom was immaculate, but the inside looked like it was filled with toilet paper and chocolate milk. The shade of brown wasn't so much like poop or even diluted poop, but chocolate milk. However, putting the plunger into the mass revealed its darker nature. After the first thick layer of toilet paper broke, I found five nice sized logs below. After the second layer, there was what looked like the source of the chocolate milk color: a massive amount of vomit. After the next layer laid 3 logs. After the next, there was a concluding mass of vomit and small turds that had found their way to the bottom, accompanied by a massive log that would make goatse whimper. Essentially, it was a mass of shit/vomit/toilet paper lasagna. The only thing that I can make from all that was that someone shit out the massive log, clogged the toilet, and the 4-5 people after that simply shat and vomited into the mass, coating each previous layer with more toilet paper. In the end, I had to plunge this mass of nasty into the abnormally small hole of the toilet. Each careful plunge led to a bit of the chocolate shake nastiness to bubble up, a few drops jumping out. After finishing, three flushes managed to get rid of the persistent logs that remained. Needless to say, I'm never working fast food again. |
| Im not sure if im telling it right, but my brother told me this story a couple of months ago. He said it happened at his work. Apparently there was this old chinese lady that happened to have a problem controlling her bowels. She snuck into the employee washroom in the back and proceeded to lay down a full spread of old people poop. I dont know if you have smelt/seen old people poop, but its a 100x worse than regular shit. The disease that also caused her to not control her bowels also made her shit some greenish color crap - and it reeked.... bad. Getting back to the full spread, apparently she sprayed the whole toilet, floor, and wall with her crap. I guess she decided not to tell anyone because she snuck out and left. No-one found the mess until the next day (employee washroom in the back which no-one really used much) and by then it had dried up somewhat, and had also left the whole shop reeking of crap. They had to close for the day and leave all the doors and windows open until the smell was gone. |
| we used to have one of those power shower heads at my house. I didn't really like soaping up my hand and shoving it up my ass so i just used the mega-jet function on the head. Well, one day i was committing such an act and i guess i squirted something sensitive because i shit ALLOVER the fucking tub! In a panic, i used the mega-jet to spray all the shit down the drain, then i poured shampoo out were the shit had been to try and mask the smell. i got most of it out, and nobody seemed to notice. it was still embarrassing though :( |
| when I was really little I was playing in the park next door to my grandmas house and really had to poop. I finally started home because I couldn't hold it anymore. Right in the living room, in front of my grandma, a little round turd fell out of my shorts. I said it was a rock I found at the park and picked it up and put it in my pocket and went to the bathroom |
| Actually now that I think of it, I have two good shit stories from when I was younger. I was 8 years old. I was a hot summer day, and I was sitting in the back of my Mom's van as she drove me and my siblings home. We were on our way home from my Grandma's house after a long day of swimming in her inground pool; it was about a 40 minute drive on the parkway from her house to ours. Anyway, about halfway home, I felt the beginnings of post pool diarrhea. You know the uncomfortable weighty feeling you get in your bowels after you've been swimming for a long time, indicating that something is horribly, horribly wrong. So naturally, being 8, I said "Mommy I have to poop." "You can hold it until we get home, okay?" Ok. Fine. So like a good little boy I hold it for another 20 minutes or so, until we get into the center of the town that we live in. By now, I really have to shit, and I begin to feel the slithery excrement making it's way to my asshole. I know that I can't hold it until I get home, and I also know that I don't want to shit myself wearing swim trunks and sitting in the back of my mom's van. "Mom, I really can't hold it anymore, can you pull over here please?" Now she's a little aggravated: "No! You can hold it until we get home!" "But mom I really have to go!" "JUST HOLD IT IN, WE'LL BE HOME IN 5 MINUTES" "NO! IT'S COMING OUT!" "SON OF A BITCH!" Well she finally pulled over, and I rushed my little skinny 8 year old clenched ass into the gas station bathroom without saying a word to the attendant whom just looked at me with a knowing smirk. Took a huge diarrhea, and left. When I got back to the car though, I noticed a brown skidmark on the seat where I had been sitting, and my family was silent the rest of the way home. My mom is a bitch. |
| first, i was a little scared confused 1st grader in a catholic school. one fine day at late recess i start feeling a little bowel pressure. This is certainly a sign of trouble to come. I go sit in this little unoccupied playground equipment thing made of an old sewer pipe and proceed to shit myself with unimaginable fury. Now, being a little kid in 1st grade, i wasn't exactly sure what to do, and i was feeling very much like the scared kid without his mom; so i just sat in the pipe until my teacher literally pulled me out and noticed the diarrhea stains on the pipe, and my leg. I was rushed to a little-used downstairs bathroom where my teacher waited for my mom to show up, all the while handing me fresh clothes, while i sat on that toilet....still shitting every few minutes she asked if i was done |
| i was running an 18 mile marathon training run in a remote mountain park outside of Boulder, CO. Now, occasionally running- especially very long distance- can really jerk your bowels into a fit of crapping, and i suddenly noticed during this run that i needed to poop. NOW. I was near no shitting facility, had no wiping paraphernalia, i was about 8 mi away from my car, and no shelter from other runners or cyclists. I tried to run back (having had this feeling before, but not so early in the run, i thought i could get back to the parking-lot portapotty), but about a mile later i was in full scale agony, and reduced to a walk. My poor little chocolate starfish could take no more squeezing...nobody should ever have that much lactic acid built up in their butthole. No chance of the portacrapper...i was gonna blow a load of nasty...now. I go behind a little hill by a pond, shit leaking into my bike shorts, and perform the "Move" just in time for my formidable colon to explode in an orgy of poop. The power of this release from my ass- and plenty of pressurized pockets of gas along with it- nearly shook the earth; a flock of disgusted birds took quick flight. I used my favorite running shirt (RIP) to wipe off a beautiful smear of ass-juice, and left the scene as quickly as i could, noting that that the smell could drop a donkey, and the gas explosions were probably heard as far away as Denver :( ever since that fateful day, i've brought a few kleenex with me to clean up, or worn a cheap shirt |
| At f00ker's mom's place to have dinner; his sister and brother in law are there too. We're all playing mario tennis or something and I feel the urge coming on. I keep playing because the game isn't even half way done. By the time the game ends, I know I'm gonna shit myself if I don't go now, but they all want to play another game, and I'm all "no... no... I've had enough for now", my voice strained. So I end up throwing the controller down, I walk as quickly as possible to the toilet and promptly UNLOAD. Oh. My. God. That felt so good... the flood gates had been opened and the pressure was all gone. Only problem was that it STUNK like HELL. I end up coming out of the bathroom 20 minutes later. Apparently his sister had been waiting to use the bathroom when I was done. So I walk out, sheepish look on my face, and begin to walk away. I turn to look over my shoulder to see her walk in, and a split second later walk RIGHT back out, her eyes seeming to water and a disgusted look on her face. SO EMBARRASSING! :( |
| Going along with the pissing/shitting/vomiting theme y'all have going... Four or five years ago I remember quite possibly one of the worst nights of my life. I hadn't been feeling well all evening, so I eventually go outside to get some fresh air since that had a tendency to make myself feel better. Five or so minutes pass and I realize that my entire stomach region hurts like mad and that I'm gonna puke. So I start looking around frantically for somewhere to puke. No dice. Pain in abdomen continues to grow to excruciating levels. So finally I puke. Not only to I puke all over the front porch, I POWER PUKE all over the front porch; vomit spraying everywhere. With the vomit still coming out of my mouth, I that something funny is going on with my back end. Shit. Oh shit. And LOTS of it! Not only did I have the flu, I had diarrhea. And it was the squeezing of the abdominal muscles was enough to propel the pent-up excrement out of my ass and FILL my sweatpants! My mom finally comes out and I have to sheepishly tell her that I'd had an accident. I waddle into the bathroom, 20 or so yards away, and I had to walk past the dining room table, at which my entire family was still eating. VERY EMBARRASSING. So I clean up, shower, get new clothing on, etc etc. But the story doesn't end there (I wish it had, though). I spend the rest of the night vomiting and shitting myself at least half a dozen times. I sleep on the bathroom floor in my parents' room because that was the closest bathroom to my room. At one point I woke up and couldn't even make it to the toilet and shat all over the floor. I spend the next few hours cleaning it up. To this day, I can still see a very slight discoloring of the carpet where it happened :( |
| This actually happened a few nights ago, hehe... My parents, f00ker, my niece (6 yrs old), and a few friends of the family all decide to go to dinner at the Old Country Buffet. Everyone eats, fun is had by all, etc etc. By the end of the evening, f00ker and I realized we both needed to shit really really bad. So f00ker and I hop into my car and speed back to my parents' house. He heads for the downstairs bathroom, and I to the upstairs one (in my parents' room because there was no way in hell I was gonna use my brothers'... but in retrospect, I probably should have). I make it there just in the nick of time, sit down, and unload. It wasn't so much big logs as it was the sheery quantity of small ones. Over a dozen of them, it was ridiculous. Suddenly I hear the downstairs (front) door open. Shit, everyone's back. After a minute or so I hear little footsteps coming up the stairs and someone knocks on the door. Its my niece. I tell her I'm almost done and I'll be out in a minute. Well, I start to panic. My niece, I love her and all, but she doesn't understand that its kinda rude to comment about anything *left* in the bathroom when you enter. Well, I finally get out of the bathroom, and she goes in. At this point, f00ker is waiting for me at the top of the stairs (door to parents room), and my niece suddenly pops her head out the door and says "Julia, you left some poop in the toilet! and it stinks!" f00ker and my mother (who heard it too) both bust up laughing, while I stand there utterly stunned. After a moment I laugh too, but I gently scold her, and go about my business. Kids say the damnedest things |
| Mine isn't really a disaster, in fact, it isn't even my shit. I was basically driving my dads car down the interstate with him in the passenger seat. It was about 11 at night or so and we were going to shoot some pool down in marietta. My dad, inevitably had been drinking before we went, so I guess he didn't really think farting while drunk could be a bad choice. Well, midway to our exit he says, "David, take the next ramp" I respond questionably, "Why, this isn't even our exit" To which he replies, much to my amazement, "I've just shit my pants.." Now this is where it got gross for me, I asked him if he was serious and he actually unzips himself and sticks his hand down the back of his pants and sniffs it, and responds in an almost proud tone, "Yep". So, I basically drive him home with a shitty finger and myself nauseated beyond belief from what just took place. |
| First a little back ground info. Back in High School there was this guy my friends and I would hang out with, Stefan. He was like the kid with the pool, you don't really like him and only really hang out with him for the pool, or in his case a place to party and a liquor cabinet to raid. We're on our way to his house and he's complaining to hurry up but doesn't say why. We get there and he rushes in without turning on any lights and takes off upstairs. I follow in behind him and step on something squishy. I hit the lights and see little nuggets of shit all through out the house leading up the steps. I take off my socks and throw them in the garbage. Now he has 3 cats so I yelled out that his cats had shit all over the place. He comes down shortly after and cleans everything up. Now for some reason I hadn't put two and two together. Later that night he pulls me aside and for some reason decides to confess that the shit was his. It then dawned on me that the shit must've snaked down his pants as he ran to the washroom. Now since I didn't like this kid much to begin with I proceeded to tell all the other people there and if that wasn't enough the next day everyone in school found out. From that day forth everyone referred to him as "Shitty". To top off this story the next time we were there his mom gave me a plastic bag which I discovered had my socks in them. She must've reached into the trash picked up my shit stained socks and cleaned them for me. I gave her a then walked over and threw them in the trash right in front of her. Since then I've been able to admit to stepping in human excrement other then my own. |
| A friend of mine was taking some kind of medicine that gave him diarrhea as a side affect. I made him laugh and he shit his pants. We were at a party so he went outside, took his socks off and wiped his ass with them, then buried his socks in the flower garden under the mulch. |
| Here's a story that's been around so long at my Bible College that it's become an urban legend here. This guy had this really big crush on this girl who he'd known for a while, and after a few months he finally worked up the courage to ask her out. She says yes, and he arranges to pick her up at 6:00. Well, he's as nervous as a paranoid cat in a Chinese Takeaway and he arrives at 5:20, coz being early is good and all. She's not ready, so he has to wait. Coz he's so nervous, he's put his ass into overdrive and needs to crap. He needs to crap bad. So he goes into the bathroom, takes a massive dump, and finds out that there's no toilet paper. At this point he's freaking out, so he takes off his socks and wipes his ass, and flushes. But ack noes, the toilet blocks and overflows crap, piss and socks all over the toilet floor. So he panics madly, climbs out the window and runs away. Worst date evar? Maybe, but they're married now :D |
| Probably the most embarrassing moment of my life to date. I was 6 years old and had been home from school with the flu for a couple of days. After breakfast I went into the other room to watch TV. After a little while my mom came in with a story to read. I sat on her lap and she began to read. About half way into the story, I barely got out, "Mommy I have to ---," and then it all began. I farted, and full on started to shit my pants. This was no normal shit however...the night before my mom had made spicy quesadillas, and, thinking I was all better, I had a piece. So, on top of shitting my pants AND on my mother, it burnt like hell and I started to cry. While this goes on, my mom of course has to get a gag reflex and vomits. With me in her lap. I got vomited on. Now of course, the pain of shitting, coupled with the smell, and the fact that I just got vomited on, caused me to vomit as well. Essentially, in the span of about 10 seconds, I shat on my mom, got vomited on, and vomited on myself. Quite traumatizing. The couch eventually got laundered, and now sits in my room, only slightly discolored. (On the underside of the cushions of course ;) ) And to this day, I still haven't finished Thomas the Tank Engine. |
| The plan tonight was to drink at a hot chick's house, then go to a bar a couple blocks down to watch some bands play at my favorite dive. Well, after leaving a family gathering, I went home to grab something to eat, shit, and shower. I went to the local Mexican place, Saguaros. Best California burritos ever. I got a quesadilla in the drive thru, went home, browsed [M], ate the quesadilla, took a shower/shit, and left to the girls house. On the way, I went to the local liquor store and grabbed a $7.59 bottle of Merlot, and 2 tall cans of Papst. On the way to the girls house, I called her and she said she would be picking up some weed, but she would leave the door unlocked so I could go inside and chill. I arrived, poured two glasses of wine, and waited. I caught the last part of Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. She got home, we smoked some bowls, drank the bottle of wine, and shared a can of Papst. We went to the bar, met up with her ex-bf, my best friend, and they played a game of pool. I got a beer and the bartender broke off two parts of the rim of the bottle. I didn't realize for awhile, decided I wouldn't cut myself, and drank 3/4 of the beer, then got a new free one. Totally partyin'. The next band up sucked, so we decided to go drive around downtown for awhile. On the way back to the bar, I had the gnarliest stomach ache. The kind that makes you want to take a shit immediately. I informed driver and he hurried up, but then it subsided. It was a sharp pain to the lower stomach, relaxing the seat belt seemed to help. So we were going back to the bar, and best friend said something fucked up to his ex or something. She got pissed and made him stop, and got out. 30th street in North Park San Diego isn't the greatest place, so I told my friend to go to the bar, that I would walk her the short way home to her place, and would meet up with him later. I walked her home, she was bitching about my best friend, I tried to console her, whatever. I just didn't want her to get harassed on the way home as fucked up as she was physically and mentally. We got to her place, I hovered around the door trying to leave as she kept on talking, but she didn't skip a beat and invited me in to smoke with her. I did, and we talked some more, and the pain started again. I said I had to leave to go home so I could take a shit, and she said to wait for her to pee, then I could shit there. So she went to the bathroom, and the pain came HARDCORE. I stood up and squeezed my asscheeks, trying to hold it in, but I felt the baby's head leave my sphincter. I tried as hard as I could to keep it in, because I heard her finishing up, but as I started walking to the door, it all let itself go. I can remember 3 distinct splatters hitting the rust-colored carpet, and I used the bag from the wine and the beer to quickly pick up the chunks before she opened the door. I think I was still leaning over when she exited the bathroom, but I just placed the two bags on the counter and ran inside the bathroom. It was now flowing all over. I felt the seeping warmth run down my leg as I tried to hold my shorts/ass together, but just ran and threw my shorts down as my ass hovered over the toilet. I sat down and let it flow. It was nasty. Watery anal chunks splashing into the toilet, totally splattered all over the bowl, and then i realized my boxers were dripping wet with shit, as well as my pants and my socks/shoes. I sat until I felt no more loose anus, then spent an hour in the bathroom trying to clean it all up. I had to wash the inside of my shorts. they were covered in shit and slimy diarrhea shit. the toilet seat had shit on it from the backs of my legs/ass, and there was shit on the carpet and linoleum floor. I used my socks to clean it all up, I think I did an alright job except for the goo that penetrated the carpet. I put on my wet shorts, sans boxers, put on my cleaned shoes, and left the bathroom I opened the sliding door, and she was asleep, or pretending to be asleep on the couch. I wiped up the splatters on the kitchen floor from dumping the paper bags over there, found a plastic bag, put boxers/socks/bags in it, and locked that shit up tight. I said her name a couple times, then decided was probably pretending to be asleep, and left her apartment building. I dumped the plastic bag o surprise in a recycling bin down the street, and walked to the bar to get my car. Used a shirt in my car to cover the seat, and went home. I just got out of the shower after cleaning my ass and shorts, and my shoes still smell shitty/ |
| Junior year in high school 6 of my friends and I spent a LOT of time at my friend Jim's house. One time, my friend Mikey fell asleep on the couch. Jim had the "amazing" talent of forcing himself to fart. Well, he was all hunched over my friend, and started force-farting on his head. Mikey woke up from the smell, as Jim was forcing his last one out. All of a sudden, he stood up really straight, cupped his hands around the bottom of his ass and took off running for the bathroom. We all stood there in silence, and then realized what happened and started laughing in hysterics. As we walked towards the bathroom to make fun of him, we noticed a small trail of shit on the floor. |
| Last year, I went on a trip to Florida, and ate at some authentic-Jewish restaurant. Needless to say, about 10pm that night, my stomach was NOT agreeing with what I ate. I thought my stomach was just cramping up really badly, but no... I went to the bathroom and sat on the toilet for literally half an hour. At the end, I ended up taking a shit so big it ripped my ass apart. My ass bled every time I took a shit for about two weeks afterwards. :( If getting DITB is anything like that, I'm never doing anal :( |
| During my freshman year in college, my friends and I were sitting in the cafeteria that was across campus from our dorm. Now keep in mind that, the food was famous for killing your colon. Anyway, so I'm sitting in my chair talking and I feel the urge to rip ass really badly. So I figure I'll let it go, no big deal. Right? Wrong. :( I ended up sharting myself in the middle of the cafeteria while wearing khaki pants. So I told my friend what happened, and she walked behind me while I kind of waddled to the bathroom. I ended up taking my pants off and balling them up. She gave me her XXL hoodie, and we walked back to the dorm together, her in a t-shirt, and me with no pants on. This wouldn't have been so bad, had it not been February, and a foot of snow on the ground :( Luckily, none of my friends ever made fun of me about it, because apparently everyone's shit themselves after eating the school food. |
| I've had a poop disaster. It was about 2 years ago on my last deployment. My platoon was on our off days, so we had a BBQ and stayed up until the wee hours drinking like madmen, watching movies and playing Unreal Tournament in the communal area. The living quarters were Williams Scotsman modular buildings (think Lego-style configurable trailer houses) the common area had a 60 inch projection TV, a couple couches, a bunch of chairs, a fridge, microwave, some computers, and shit like that. It was a big open area surrounded by 2-man rooms. Anyway, I got drunk (as almost all did) and went to bed... I crashed in my jeans. Somehow I managed to take my shoes off. Somewhere around the asscrack of dawn, my stomach churned, and I had a bit of a cramp. Not that surprising considering all the drinking and eating. I grimaced, waited it out, and rolled over expecting to go back to sleep. About a minute passed, and I think I was close to sleep again. Then, cramp. Bad cramp. Serious bubbly guts. In an awful hungover sleepy haze, I thought that I might have to go to the shitter, but I still wasn't wanting to get out of bed. So there I lay, and still I hoped it would pass. As I lay half suspiciously waiting for the next attack and half thinking the same would not come again, it hit. It felt like a porcupine sumo did a backflip in my abdomen. Literally, my stomach MOVED. It made sounds I've never heard *gerBLUNK* *GraaaarrrrRRRRRRR* *bubbleGLORG*. I winced with the pain, and for a millisecond I thought I needed to rip a good morning fart. Before the thought could truly formulate wholly, my renegade colon was sending my sphincter a big "fuck you". I locked my virgin boy-pussy up tight, and I'm sure my eyes fairly bulged from my skull as I sat up in my bed-- resolved at last that it WAS TIME. I was squeezing my hoop with all I had, even with muscles not attached to it. I think all of me was tensed. I decided to go. I swung my left leg over the side of the bed to get up and as I focused my attention more on walking and spread my previously locked together ass cheeks and legs, the 3rd wave hit. I don't think I was totally in a standing position by the time the shit was hitting the back of my left knee. I managed to lock that shit up tight, but there I stood... hungover, with liquid shit running down my left pants leg, dripping off my ankle on to the floor. So what then? I'm covered in shit, and am hurting needing to shit more. I knew I could never walk without shitting more. And I could hear the TV on in the common area, so at least one person was already in there watching cartoons. I couldn't go to the latrine without me streaming poop across what was our living room and having a witness to see me trail shit. So, there I stood. I knew I couldn't leave the room in that condition. So I shat. And shat. And shat. It ran down my leg like the river Ganges. I stood there, and I kept shitting. Finally, the flow stopped and I was foul, the room was stinking like you wouldn't believe and there was a pool of crap under me. I thank my lucky stars my roommate was on leave. I opened the window (it was freezing cold) still the stink was enormous. Trying not to make a bigger mess, I undressed, and started to clean myself with anything cloth within reach. I soon ran out of my stuff, and started to grab his to wipe my ass, legs, and the floor. Before long I had a huge pile of shit covered clothes. When the best cleaning I could do was done, I knew I had to go to the laundromat. Again, I had a dilemma. I couldn't walk out with a load of clothes stinking so bad. I had to use like 5 trash bags double up and practically RUN to the laundromat so the stench wouldn't permeate. Fortunately, no one was washing clothes when I got the washing machines at 6 AM. You have no idea how I felt right then. Have you any idea how unnatural a feeling it is, to just stand and shit down your pants leg onto the floor? I was in shock, to say the least to find myself in a situation where my best option was just to be standing, AND SHITTING MY PANTS. After all the washing, all the scrubbing, all the Lysol and air freshener... I told everyone what had happened eventually including my roommate. Though disgusted, they all got a good laugh out of it, and I still get fucked with about it. |
| I think the most hilarious thing that happened to me was back when I was about 6-7 years old. Back then we lived at an apartment building, and just got to the building from school. Normally, either my grandfolks or my folks would be home to let me in (it was one of those buzzer entrances), but apparently that fateful day, no one was home... I had no key.... I had to shit, really really bad. Sooo.... off to the front lawn I go, take a massive dump... then to be courteous I go back to the front of the building where there is a big-ass plant with huge leaves, rip two leaves off, use one to wipe myself... and the other to cover up the poop. Mind you, while I was shitting people were passing by - giving me the oddest looks ever |
| I'm at school taking a shit. Never taking a shit at school again. I'll tell the story now. I'm at school and it's first period. I need to take a shit bad. I have no idea why I need to shit in the morning, but I have to go. So I go to the newest bathrooms in the school. These have doors, locks on the doors, and nice clean toilets. I wipe everything clean, put the paper cover on, and begin my business... I'm shittin' some nice sized turds when I hear a big guy stomp in. Ok, so I'm shitting and some fat-ass walks in... stupidly enough, he walks up to my stall thinking it's empty, slams the door the wrong way, and breaks the lock. As he takes one step in, I start cussing him out with my pants at my ankles... fucking fat indian fag... he leaves, doesn't even do his business, and goes bye bye. Even now, that door is still fucked up. |
| When I was 18ish I was walking home with a friend of mine... I felt the urge.. figured I could hold it for the 15 or so minutes walk until I got to my place.. 3 blocks from my house I know it's coming, I feel light headed and I know I have to vacate the bowels.. I run up into someones yard (I figured it was an unused area of someones house) and got my pants down as i started to shit.. half of it ended up in my pants and the other half all over the welcome mat of someones basement apartment.. whoops.. right outside their door... my friend was busting a gut on the sidewalk.. .I tied my jacket around my waist and jogged home.. cut through the neighbors yard and headed up to the bathroom to shower.. my friend came in and told my mom.. all I could hear was their hysterical laughter. |
| When I was about 13-14 my friend, his little brother and I were walking back to his house from the grocery store when his brother starts whining about having to shit, so he gives him the keys and tells him to run and go then. It takes like 10 minutes to get there and we go upstairs. IT REEKS OF SHIT. We open the bathroom door which is ajar and shit is EVERYWHERE. He had pushed his pants down and shot shit all over the wall, shower door, and toilet. |
| A bunch of friends and I got bored one night. We went up to this rich neighborhood, (homes starting in the upper 400's) and decided to drive around looking for open garages to steal stuff out of. So, there were like 6 of us, and we all piled into this one kid's truck, because the only other vehicle of choice was an M3, and that wasn't the most practical vehicle of choice for this excursion. So we pull up to this one house, the two kids in the bed jump out, grab a motorized scooter out of the garage and haul ass back to the truck. We stop somewhere and play around with the scooter for a while, then my friend (who had the M3) said that he needed to take a shit, so we should go get his car and head back to his house. So, we all get back in the truck and he's in the bed. Now, this neighborhood is huge, it takes us about 20 minutes to get back to where we left the M3. He keeps saying shit like "hurry up, Matt, I've really got to take a dump," so we're flying through the neighborhood at like 45-50 (it's the middle of the night, no traffic) trying to get him to his car so he can get home and shit. All of a sudden, BAM, we hit a fucking speedbump, get airborne in a goddamn full-size Chevy pickup, and then we hear Kevin in the back go "UGGHHHH". We didn't fully realize the gravity of the situation until about 30 seconds later we smell shit. We all started laughing, and closed the windows between the cab and the bed so we wouldn't smell him anymore. Disclaimer: This was long ago. I was stupider then. I don't do shit like steal out of garages any more. Actually, I never did, but I'm smart enough now not to hang around with people who do. |
| I used to work at Kids World which is what you get when a Toys R Us fucks a Kids R Us. Its toys and clothes and a huge fucking place. If you opened the store they had a morning meeting 15 minutes before they unlocked the doors. Everyone met at the big fucking geoffry the giraffe picture at the front of the store. So everyone's standing there and I'm kind of standing off to the side. I don't know what I ate beforehand but whatever it was, it had developed into an adult shit weasel ready to burst from my ass and eat jason lee's hand. All I knew of this sinister plot was the slight gurgling and uneasy feeling I had in my abdomen. As the meeting went on the uneasiness grew into pain which grew into searing pain until the feeling of climax hit me as I had to fart. I slowly took a step back away from the circle of fellow 16 year olds and did the shifty eye'ed dog look back and forth. I eased open my butt cheeks to allow for a test fart to see if it was going to be horrifically stinky. The sound that came out of my ass can only be likened to squeezing an entire bottle of ketchup out with one violent squeeze. My eyes grew wide as I quickly looked too and fro to see if anyone else heard. I took another slow step back. There was little I could do but quickly melt into the baby pajamas that lay behind geoffrys grim visage. As soon as I was out of sight I ran like retard on cookie day to the closest restroom. As I got there I blasted open a stall door and promptly began to let the hot, acrid oatmeal pour from my now abused ass. It seems to never stop. The underwear I had on was ruined but it had jumped on the perverbial grenade for my pants. While still shitting I removed my pants and my underwear and wrapped them in toilet paper and set them on the floor. It must have taken me an hour and 46 flushes to clean the babyfood from my ass. I remember being physically tired and at this point sweating. I deposited my used undergarments in the trashcan and exited the restroom feeling born again. That was quickly dismissed with another bowel spasm. What could I do? I was going commando at this point, my shields were down. If I had another attack I would certainly sustain damage to the aft jeans. I had to procure some protection. Being that this was a kidsworld, they had clothes as well as toys. Off to the boys department to see what kind protection I could dig up. Now I was about 16. Being that I wasnt a "boy" anymore my waist size was around 34. I wore size 34 jeans and size 34 drawers. It seems that you are no longer a "boy" when your waist size eclipses size 16 since thats all they had. Also you really cant be seen in your place of employment at the age of 16 buying size 16 gi joe underoos so that meant I had to steal them. Under my arm they went and back to the restroom I jaunted. I cant really describe the look of a 16 year old in size 16 gi joes underoos. I also cant describe the feeling you get being a size 34 in size 16 underoos. Id have to imagine its similar to what it feels like for a chihuahua to be fucked by a horse. Tight. |
| My gf's best friend from california comes back east to her parents house for christmas/new years. We go visit and since it's a long drive we spend the night. Best friend has two younger sisters who share a bed (17 and 9). Since my gf and I were guests she give us their bedroom to sleep in. All three of us go out drinking/come home drunk. My gf and I decide to go to bed but since I am drunk and about to past out, I don't bother using the bathroom. I wake up at 4:00am to a mattress soaked in piss. I didnt know what to do so i rolled the sheets up and flipped the mattress over. Then smuggled the sheets to the washine machine. Hope no one found out. |
| I was home from college for winter break and it was New Years Eve. My GF was visiting me and we decided we'd go to the fireworks show in downtown Phoenix. Before we went, my mom made some burritos for dinner. My mom is far from Mexican, so as a result they were extra greasey and cheesey. We went downtown, enjoyed the party atmosphere, and midnight was approaching. Out of nowhere both of us started feeling our stomachs ache. There were huge lines at the port-o-pottys and there was no way we could hold out. We were literally holding our asses with our hands while navigating through thousands of people looking for a place to relieve ourselves. We left the main street and made it to an alley where we both dropped our pants and blew our asses all over street. It didn't even feel like a shit. It felt like I was pissing soup out of my ass. We squatted back to back, about 5 yards apart. In front of her was a dumpster, and in front of me was an open street. Had anyone happened to go down the alley, they would have seen us. We did our best to ignore each other. I dont even like farting in front of girls. Taking a nasty greasey shit in with my girlfriend just yards away was humiliating. I'm sure she felt the same way. I finished and took my shoes off to wipe with my socks. They were lowcut athletic socks so I had to be careful to get it all. Amazingly there was no mess. I told her I was going down to the end of the alley to wait for her. I glanced and she was still squatting, emptying her bowels. Minutes later she met me. I suggested we go home, and she quickly agreed. We missed the fireworks, and instead of the hot New Years Eve sex we were going to have, we just went to bed. The next morning we could barely look at each other, and that point was the beginning of the end of our three year relationship. |
| 2nd most horrifying moment of my life. I was around 14, and I was (And still am) fat. REALLY FAT. With that, comes that FUCKING HORRIBLE IDEA THAT I SMELL LIKE SHIT! I FUCKING HATE THAT! So i am kind of paranoid about my smell. Ok. This day, i was at school and my math teacher had just finished his class. So he decided to use his last minutes to solve any doubts with the exercises. So the girls, especially the "hot" (and dumb, obviously) ones gather around his table. Fine till now right? The problem was that... I wanted to fart SO MUCH. SO FUCKING MUCH. I WOULDN'T FART AT CLASS RIGHT? So I asked the teacher if I could go to the bath. - Hey teacher! Can i go to the bathroom? - Wait for you friend to come back. - huh.... but teacher... I REALLY need to go. Needless to say, I just caught everyone's attention by now. - Ok. Go. I was in the brink of letting those gases go, so i decided to run, since the harm was already done, and I was sure that everyone was already going to laugh at me. I stood up and ran quite fast, BUT something was on my way. The teacher's table. Since I'm clumsy, I hit it and fell on the ground. Instantly I gave the greatest fart I ever had. Everything went silent. Till this day, I can't remember what happened after that. Traumatic. |
| I had 90+ patient that w/alzheimers and was picking small balls of shit out of her bottom and stacking them on the bedsheet. when I entered the room, she was already eating them. She looked up and smiled with shit on her teeth and said "want some chocolate?" I was like omfg. I had another 90+ that was so constipated when she shit it was like bigger round than a pop can and about a meter long, I had to call maintenance to unclog an industrial size toilet. Lastly, a few months ago I had a post surgical 90+, that hadn't gone for about a week. she say's she usually "picks at is a little" to get it started. I was like omfg! so I give her a few enemas and they dont work, so I had to put the gloves on and go in..... fucken nasty smellin, had my hand up her old fucking ass. |
| Ever since I was a little kid, I knew a kid who had a history of pooping his pants. Well, we all have our problems and he is a nice guy, so I always tried to look past it. A few years back, my mom was taking a computer class. Since she doesn't know much about computers and I don't have the patience to help her, she called said Poop Barron (who is pretty good with computers) to come over and help her. She went over to his house and picked him up and brought him back to our place. While they were down in the basement working on the computer, I was upstairs in my room taking a nap. After a while, I hear someone coming up the stairs and by the way they were breathing, it didn't sound like they were feeling well. Now, the bathroom was right across the hall from my room. I could hear just about everything that went on in there. I heard the door shut and then I heard the flood gates open just as loud as if he were sitting on my ear and shitting. I giggled at the sound of someone pooping, but just opened my window and went back to sleep. After about 30 minutes of constant shit sounds and about 9 flushes, he goes back downstairs. I figured the worst was over, so I turned on the TV and started to relax for the evening. After about 3 minutes, my mom comes upstairs and tells me that she has to take this guy (who from this point forward we'll call Waldo) home and if I needed to use the bathroom to go down and use the laundry room bathroom. Of course, I forgot her counsil by the time she was out the door and decided I wanted to take a piss before one of my programs came on. I walked across the hall, opened my bathroom door and was immediately struck by the smell. It was one of those smells that is so bad and hits you so hard that you close your eyes for a second out of some sort of survival instinct. When I opened my eyes, needless to say, I was horrified by the scene which greeted me. There was poop ALL OVER the wall surrounding the toilet. Strike one. There was poop ALL OVER the floor surrounding the toilet. Strike two. And my poor toilet was almost overflowing with pure liquid shit. Traumatized, I did the only thing I could, yelled for my dad to come up and look. He came up and in between gags let out a steady string of swears and profanities. To make matters worse, I just remembered that my mom's van was in the shop - she was driving Waldo home in MY CAR! After my mom got home and spent 2 hours cleaning my bathroom and another 1.5 cleaning the inside of my car, she told my dad and I exactly what had happened. Apparently while they were working, Waldo was letting out a series of small, but potent farts. We all guess that the final one was the kiss of death and he sharted in his pants because my mom said he darted like a mad man up the stairs to use the bathroom. After shitting all over the bathroom, he came back downstairs and told my mom that he needed to go home stat. The entire drive back to his house, he was explaining to my mom (while letting bursts of shit out onto my car seat) that he had eaten Pizza Hut, which always gives him explosive shits. For the next week, we found little shit pellets that must have run down his leg during his flight to and from the bathroom. Suprisingly enough, my car never stunk. The Virgin Mary air freshener that I had on my rear view mirror protected me from the smells of his evil. Hail Mary, full of grace! To this day, on a hot day at my dad's house, you can still smell a slight stink of poop, a constant reminder of that fateful night. |
| Went to a party with my buddy slayer dave and a bunch of other metal heads. Thankfully i was wearing my dickies cause I went into the bathroom to start pissing, and well for some reason I let go of the moster and my right inner pant leg was covered in piss and a huge puddle of it on the foor with a radius of about 2 feet. Hot girls were banging on the door all I could say was I'll be out in a minute! I went through 3 rolls of TP sopping up all the piss *I was pretty much drunk* and thank God dickies are fairly resistant to water. Could hardly tell I pissed myself. Good thing everybody there was either drunk or high, cause nobody noticed :D |
| Last year, I was really sick with the flu for about a week after I came home from college for the summer. By the time I started feeling better, it was just starting to feel like spring. It was still cool outside, but it just had a certain warm feel in the air that makes you feel like a million bucks to go outside. I was still feeling kind of crappy, but I wanted to get out of the house for a while, so I decided to go for a quick run around my neighborhood. Now, as stated earlier in the thread, nothing seems to quicken the need to shit better than a brisk run. About a block from my house, I felt a poop perculating in my bowels. This wasn't a problem for me, if anything, I was looking forward to settling down on the toilet when I got home and taking a nice, relaxing shit. Life would be good. About halfway into my run, I really had to poop. Since it was now quicker to run home than turn back, I just kept going. I let out a lengthy fart, which bought me a little time and made me feel a little better, but by this time, I was lengthening my stride to get hom as quick as I could. As I rounded the block for the last stretch of my run, I let out another fart to hopefully relieve some of the pressure I was feeling. At the tail end of my fart, the magic happened. I could feel poop nuggets exiting my anus and dripping down my butt. I started in on a full sprint back home. Now, I'm a bigger guy and that would normally wind me, but I didn't feel a thing. What happened next is all a blur, but I remember rushing past my grandpa at the front door, tripping over my dog, and letting loose in the toilet. There was no misfire onto the wall or floor, but I had to dump a comfortable pair of underpants. |
| I was known around the store as "that fucking crazy guy" mostly due to my storeroom behavior. I was in charge of the bikes. They kept one bike out front for all the fuckshits to sit on and ride around the store and the rest were in the back on this giant, moving rack system. The racks were probably 4 feet wide, 20 feet long and 3 stories high. I was known to jump back and forth between racks when looking for a particular bike that some fat fuck bought his kid. The first time I did it and a manager saw she about had her heart shoot out of her asshole onto the ground. Moving on. One glorious sunday a birthday party of 10-12 year old girls comes into the store. Why you have a birthday party and go to a fucking toy store is beyond me but they did. It was about an hour before the store closed and there were at least 15 little jailbaits running amok on the pink side of the store. The store closes and everyone breaks into "lets get the fuck out of here" speed as they quickly pickup the store. There was some sort of commotion near the front of the store and there were at least 3 managers up there. This was never good. Someone was dead or choking on a lego or some such shit. Then I hear one of the managers say "get that crazy kid to do it" and I think "hey I'm the only crazy fuck around here, what the fuck do they want me to do?" Right about then someone demands that I clean the front girls room. I say "get greg to do it" since greg was the janitor and this seemed like janitorial duties. They screamed back "greg quit today, you have to do it". They didnt say that greg quit because of the unholy sacrfice that was in the girls room at the front of the store, no they let me walk right the fuck in on that one unprepared. I walked into the girls restroom to see a turd hung on the wall about 5 feet up. There was vomit and other excretions in the sinks and on the mirror. Someone had eaten 4 entire pigs and then shit them out into one toilet which subsequently overflowed and left a hundred little shitlings all over the floor outside the end stall. There was only one thing I could do. I went back into the hallway and said I needed some supplies. I grabbed the snow shovel out of the janitors closet and the boots that were there. I grabbed 2 clear trashbags and dashed back into the festering hole of sewage. No one dared come in, in part because of the smell and in part because they were probably afraid to see what I was doing in there. I donned the boots and tied the trash bags around me like some sort of bizarre tribal dress. I knew what I had to do. I played shit hockey. I cant explain the sheer fun it is to throw excrement around a room with a snow shovel when you know you wont have to clean it up. When you disconnect yourself from the fact that some little assgobbler digested lunchables and pez into the creamy brown mass you just bounced off the florescent lights, its a shitload of fun. The floor had about a half inch of water on it and the cheap rubber boots slid across it like ice. Turds, mostly being eliptical, have a very odd bounce pattern. Sometimes they semi-stick to a wall and slide down like some sort of horrible peanut filled, refrigerater walking octopus from your youth. Sometimes they bounce with a thud and throw chunks of shittyness in all directions. Either way, it sucks to be the guy who's going to have to clean it up. I think the best part was when I eye'd the wall turd. The one that some little princess hung 5 feet up the wall somehow. The physics behind that baffle and confuse me but that didnt stop me from swinging the snow shovel into it like I was hitting a home run. I walked out of there and told the crowd waiting that "thats all I can do. I need to go home" which no one even batted an eye at. I would have given any amount of money to see the look on the face of the manager that went in there and saw the mess I left. They sure as fuck never asked me to clean anything else after that. |
| I was going home on the school bus afterschool and for some reason or another did the old fart/shit the pants routine. No one heard it but it sure did smell bad. It worked out well though because everyone thought it was the kid sitting next to me. I was taunting this kid for shitting in my pants along with the rest of the bus. Got off the bus and cleverly hid the shitty underwear behind the couch in the TV room. No one knew what it was, but my mom thought a mouse had died or something until she pulled away the couch and found them hardened and stuck to the wall. I remember I just kept on watching Mighty Mouse and my mom never said a word.. she just sighed. |
| I was working at this summer camp one year, it was a YMCA camp so some of the kids were kinda from these "PRAISE JESUS" families, and are sometimes hard to handle. That one week I was in charge of the 6-8 year olds, and only had about 7 kids, so it was all good. It was Sunday, opening day orientation, fresh batch of kids. I was feeling pretty good, the kids were well behaved, and they never really back-talked to me. That night after me and the other leaders in the cabin put them to bed, I climbed into bed with expectations of a good nights sleep. Jesus, was I wrong. About an hour into slumber I wake up with a HORRIBLE pressure in my stomach, as if someone took a bike pump and gushed a couple gallons of air in there. I itmmediately tip-toe to the restroom, trying not to wake any kids up, and promptly shut the door and launch my ass on the toilet. Nothing came out at first, but after just a wee bit of pushing, the sound of a minute sized log hitting the water filled the air. Confused, I attempt to push a bit more, only to open the flood gates, unleashing an unholy amount of the vilest smelling liquid I have ever smelled. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, we've all had the shits from time to time, but the SOUND. It's as if an elephant was violently vomiting from INSIDE my bowels. The flood continued to flow, and as I was in mid-push, I heard the worst sound possible. The sound of a doornob being twisted open. Let me tell you something about these bathrooms. There's about 3 toilets lined up with a small shower in between each one, and each stall is covered over by a small piece of thin plastic hooked up to a metal bar which, despite anyone's efforts, was notorious for never being big enough to block the view of the toilet-ee. As the door opened, not one, not two, but 3 of the campers come rushing into the bathroom, wide-eyed and wondering what the horrific sound they heard was. Upon gazing upon my sorry state, they itmmediately began to laugh there sorry little asses off, screaming and hollering at what they saw. This, of course, woke up everyone in MY cabin and the three surrounding it. While trying to pull the green curtain to cover myself, I felt my stomach begin to churn again, and began to vomit a vile red substance all over the floor and my pajama pants. The rest is a bit hazy, but I remember the other leaders of the cabin trying to get the kids out of the bathroom, laughing uncontrollably themselves. I spent about 6 hours that night shitting and vomiting myself to sleep on the toilet. I woke up at around 5, took a shower, and spent the rest of the day in one of the beds in the nurses office. Needless to say, I lose all respect from my campers that week, they wouldn't listen to a thing I said. And of course the story spread through-out the entire campground. Not a good week to be had at all. :( |
| I haven't had any poop disasters. I have the uncanny ability to get to a toilet before I poop myself. Take, for example, 5 March 2005. My boss and I were talking to a good customer. I had just eaten a nice, greasy, half-pound hamburger. My stomach suddenly started to reject the recent meal. Apparently, my mouth was the only part of my body that liked said burger. Now, normally I would have calmly walked to the bathroom in the back of the store done my business. This was not a normal situation: my boss had retrieved his jacket and was on his way out of the store to go home, leaving me alone in the shop with a customer who had a metric fuckton of questions. I was starting to sweat as the questions poured out of the guy's mouth ... I'm sure I was turning red. I felt a pocket of gas brewing in my rectum, but I didn't dare let it out; I feared the worst would happen if I did. After what seemed like an hour of incessant badgering, the customer turned around and left. There was still half an hour until closing time and I was the only one in the shop ... ah fuck it, I locked the door, taped my "BACK IN 10 MINUTES" sign to it, and waddled at top speed to the bathroom in the back of the shop. As soon as my ass hit the toilet seat, I had a tremendous assplosion that nearly sent me flying through the damn ceiling. I swear, I thought I was going to go into orbit. If anyone else was in the store, they probably would have run into the back and tried to break the door down to see if I was still alive and in one piece. Thankfully, the force of the blast took the massive ball of shit with it into the bottom of the toilet (no shen, it looked like a brown ball of pancake batter), minimizing the smell and the impact on the white porcelain of the toilet. A few wipes later, I was good to go. |
| 2 years ago I rented a room in a beach house in Dewey beach deleware. Dewey beach is a tiny area with shitty beachs. It does however have incredible clubs and nightlife. People go there to go party then go lay on the crappy beach the next day to recover from the previous night. The population is mostly made up of hot ass chicks and model looking guys. So my beachhouse had 18 people staying in it. I was the other guy. For 8 weekends I was the only guy at the house and at any one time there were no less than 7 people staying there. There were 3 bathrooms in the house and as you might expect that was 19 bathrooms too few. One afternoon after a few too many terriaki chicken wings I felt that familiar rumbling in my lower regions. I made a quick trip to the closest bathroom where I spent at least 45 minutes trying to give birth to a full size nfl football, with laces. This thing was huge. It was so big I had to take breaks in the middle. So I finish and I flush. I standup and realize that this monster is not ready to leave this world since it is too big around to fit down the hole. Right about now I get the "hey hurry up in there, you've been in there too long we need to shower too". So at this point I now have an audience outside waiting for me come out. I cant flush 15 more times without suffering the indignity of womens gossip. So at this point I need something to sink this behemoth and I'm not going to use my finger. My eyes quickly dart around the sink scouring the toiletries for something sticklike to break this leviathon into toilet friendly sizes. What can I use? A toothbrush. I quickly snag a toothbrush off the counter and use the handle to stab my shit monster into the afterlife. It took about 2 minutes to break it up into pieces that I was confident would submit to the tiny hole. I can say that it was probably in the top 5 worst 2 minutes of my life, but probably not the worst. I have stories far worse than this. So I flush the shit soup and it all goes down with a satisfying gurgle. Im quite satisfied with myself until I realize that I'm still holding someones shitty handled toothbrush. I contemplated washing it and putting it back but I decided that I was willing to spend the time to destink it enough to pass the pepsi challenge. So I wrapped it up in toilet paper and put it in the trash. I got the fuck out of the bathroom and just in time. The ladies were all but ready to bust in. It wasnt 2 minutes before I heard "Hey, where's my toothbrush?" |
| i was with the korean church youth group several years back on a trip through indiana to chicago to listen to some dweeb preach. anyhow, in indiana, we stop at another korean church for a few days so the kids can act cliqish and asian. one evening i'm sitting in the chapel listening to a sermon and i feel an incredibly heavy cramp in my gut. it was the crappy fried rice from the night before. i just fucking know it. so with this "gut feeling" in mind, i come to the conclusion that i have to take a shit. i can feel that this is a messy one. oddly enough, i sit there. the pastor is talking passionately about something... i'm too busy puckering my asshole to really care about what he's yammering on about. but i remain seated. i just sat there not wanting to look like an idiot by standing up in the middle of the supposedly mesmerising sermon to release the boiling torrent of shit from my ass. but i foolishly think he'll wrap it up pretty soon, so i decide to remain seated. minutes pass. they feel like hours. things are looking bleak, so i literally bow my head and pray to god to end the fucking sermon. another couple minutes pass and i actually start to get angry. SWEET FUCKING CHRIST, HOW MUCH MORE CAN HE HAVE TO SAY!??!?!?!? at this point, my faith is gone and i figure out that god ain't helping me with this one. i scan the room for exits. i spy a door in the left corner of the room that would lead me DIRECTLY to the bathroom, but it's blocked off by the lady at the piano and it'd be a very conspicuous exit. in addition to making the piano lady mover her sweaty ass, i'd have to walk right in front of the pulpit. not what i was wanting. i gulp nervously and realize that the only other way to the bathroom would be through the door on my rear right, the direction opposite of what i wanted to head. and damn it if it wasn't the longest path to the only bathroom. i shoot up like i sat on a pin and power walk to the door, my face locked in a grimace from focusing all my strength on clenching my buttcheeks together. as soon as the chapel doors swing shut behind me, i break out into a hot step down the hall with my hands squeezing my buttcheeks together. i head down the stairs to the basement and i'm in such a rush that i misplace my foot and nearly fall down them. i slip down 3 steps and i'm back on my feet, wondering how i didn't lose control of my ass. i get into the basement that i have to cross to reach the stairs that will lead me to the bathroom. i catch one glimpse of the room and think, "you've gotta be fucking kidding me." there are folding tables set up lengthwise that i have to weave through. at this point, the dookie is pushing up against my clenched rectum so hard that if i spread my legs more than a foot apart, i'll fucking lose it. so i waddle my way through the folding table obstacle course in the basement in about 40 seconds, which is amazing considering the size of the room and the length of my stride. another set of stairs... halfway up the steps, my walls start to crumble. my dam falls apart. the poop is coming out. all efforts from here on out are to slow the fucking poop down. they aren't working so well. i reach the bathroom and kick open the nearest stall. i carefully lower the pants and place my ass on the seat as a brown storm of stink rained down into the bowl. i look down at my underwear and survey the pasty heap of brown and breathe a sigh of relief because i was wearing briefs and they managed to keep the shit from soaking into the pants. after 3 minutes of constant shitting, i begin cleanup. i take off the pants and drop the briefs into the toilet, wipe my ass as best i can, replaced pants and locked the entire bathroom off. i then proceeded to wash my ass in the sink because i wouldn't be showering in couple days or so. it felt kind of nice going commando after that. |
| I remember I had just hopped on a stationary bike at the gym once. About 8 minutes into my "ride" I thought I was going to explode. I jumped off the bike ran like a little bitch to the fucking bathroom and let loose a monstrous, loud, putrid shit ... sitting back on the bike after finishing my business felt a bit different Ever since then I shit before I go to the gym, and I use the ellipticals instead of the bikes |
| I have one good shit story. i was in 8th grade, and there was this girl in our class who i took an interest in. you know exactly which girl i am talking about, the prettiest, most popular, and most innocent girl in the school. this girl was always very friendly with everyone, and she seemed to be just within the realm of my attainability as far as being a potential girlfriend. this girl sat very close to me in our earth science class, which most of us know is insanely boring. my sole enjoyment was to try to strike up conversations with this girl, who was a cheerleader (and this was catholic school, also). as fate would have it, we had a project coming up for science class. i was lucky enough to get picked to work in a group with the girl, and she even made arrangements for us to work on it at her house afterschool. the day comes for said project, so after stopping by the store with my mother and gathering half of the materials for a paper mache volcano, i was dropped off at her house. her parents were very polite and even offered me some kraft macaroni and cheese. not to be impolite, i agreed and had two full helpings of the kraft concoction. we began working on our project, (ironically) an erupting volcano. i was halfway through painting the lava tubes when I realized that my colon was pressurized to escape velocity. luckliy, my lady had gone to get the fake trees to decorate the volcano diorama. in order to buy myself some time, i tried to let out a fart to release some of the pressure. disaster struck. i had sharted, and if i didn't head to the bathroom right then, i would've been ridin' the gravy train all the way through her house. so i short-stepped to the bathroom, locked the door, and sat down just in time to let out a monster shit. even though i had not entirely crapped myself, i still had the problem of the underpants to deal with. so i removed them, cleaned myself up, put my pants on, and decide to flush the underpants down the toilet. leaving the bathroom, i felt relieved that i had averted a potential crisis. ...or had i? a few minutes after I emerged from the bathroom, her parents had gone into a wild flurry, and everyone ran to see what was wrong. the toilet had overflowed to the point where the poopy water had run out onto the carpet outside the bathroom. there was no stopping this tsunami of fecal water headed out into their house. the next few hours were absolute agony as the plumber got there to snake out the drain pipe, because my mom wasn't able to pick me up for a few hours. they ended up recarpeting that house, and the girl barely spoke to me for the rest of eigth grade. |
| My gf was feeling a bit randy and whispered in my ear to go run a hot bath for us. Well I shot over to the bathroom like a dog on heat. While waiting for the bath to fill up I'm pacing up and down in excitement. Before long the bath is full, I pour some of her scented stuff in the bath and place a few candles around the edge of th bath. Now standing naked in the bathroom I climb into the bath with anticipation of what the next few hours might hold in stall for me. Suddenly an evil pain arises from the stomach region, like the devil is pounding my insides. Too busy thinking about the upcoming fun i'm about to recieve I ignore it. The door opens, in walks my gf in the sexiest nightgown i've ever seen her in. Now filled with lust I lure her into the bath. Like the teasing manipulator she is she climbs into the other end of the bath, all the time rubbing my throbbing cock with her foot. She edges closer, and closer until she is right near me. Then with a sudden burst she jumps onto me........right on my stomach. With no warning liquid shit soons fills the bath, that scented shampoo is suddenly overtaking with the most vile smelling shit I have ever stunk in my life. My gf shoots out of the bathroom faster than an ethiopian chasing after a breadcrumb, while I lay there in disbelief at what just happened. She's now my ex-gf :( |
| Okay well I thought I'd add my own little story to this joyous poo parade. It's not exactly disasterous in terms of what happened to the room, but it was pretty bad at the time. Okay, so kram2920 and I are at a lan party, The Week Long Lan, to start off the summer of graduation. It's a friends place, he lived about 5 minutes from our high school so it made it easy to trek over between exams and such. You see, lan culture isn't known for it's healthy choices in food. Throughout this week we made trips to Beckers and local pizza places, usually for lunch and supper. Breakfast was usually made by his mom, and consisted of like eggs and bacon or toast. Not bad, since we were killing their dsl line like it was going out of style. Well throughout this week I don't know how often the facilities were used by the 6 of us (though I'm sure our friend had kept up with regular hygiene since we were in his house). The lan started on a friday. If i remember correctly, Wednesday rolls around. It's been a good lan thus far, and tomorrow was death metal show. Much gaming and mexico visits have occurred at this point. We had done our 'Beckers Run' for supper. I bought a package of cheese burgers, i do believe kram had pizza, but im not sure. All day my stomach had been telling me today was exit day or I was gonna explode. So i'm sitting at my pc, in between a round of quake3 i think, and my stomach rumbles. And suddenly it feels like someone has just dropped a brick into my colon. The pressure built up made me feel like my stomach was going to rip open and unending shit would fly out like a clown car of crap. Anyways, I'm eyeing everyone else, clenching my ass as best i could given the pain I'm currently in. The sweat was pouring off my brow at this point. I HAD to disgourge my bowels, NOW. I eye the door, when Kram gets up and heads to the bathroom. Richie, the host goes up to talk to his father. We all hear the toilet flush a few times. And then richie yelling about a stench and then he and kram come back downstairs laughing. Kram is grinning like a retard with a goldstar. We soon learn of the stench Kram had unleashed on this small (closet sized) bathroom. So i bravely made my way up to it, with Kram wishing me luck as did many others. When kram leaves a stink, they linger. And this one was up there. I don't know how richies parents didnt smell it. the bathroom was right next to their door-ajar office. I open the door and get hit with a smell I can't describe, but i walked right back down stairs and yelled at kram. I walked back up, and thought 'I should open the window, since kram didnt. That bastard'. After two failed objects, a Coke can makes hte smell go away. while i'm waiting for it to vacate the bathroom I'm feeling the pain, sweating and trying not to explode. 5 minutes pass and I can't take it anymore, so i brave the remaining stench and drop the drawers. Well I must say I thought i tore something getting that sucker out. It must have taken a good 5 minutes just getting it out of me. At about hte half-way point, richies sister knocks on the door with the usual 'hurry i have to go' line. That didn't help my plight any. The energy it took to release that thing coupled with the smell made me extremely light headed. luckily that coke can held through. Now the embarrassment. I had to flush this monster down, and kram had already given this poor toilet what for, not 20 minutes earlier. I KNEW it was bad ahead. But i flushed.... and flushed... and flushed.... at around flush 3 i looked for a plunger. None. Around flush 8 i was nearly choking from the sight/smell i had created. 6 flushes later I was feeling MUCH better as i walked down stairs and rejoined the lan. Not only had Kram and I shown that toilet the apocalypse, but i returned to 'We thought you died or something man.'. I had been gone for half an hour. |
| Well, when I was in preschool, we always had naptime. One day was different. I really had to take a shit, and i was wearing rocket ship tightie whities and red shorts. I proceeded to let out a huge, ripping fart and felt something warm in my pants. I knew that i had shat my pants. Unfortunately, on my way to the bathroom, the teacher kept me from going because it was "naptime". So she carried me away and laid me down on the cot, despite my cries of displeasure. As soon as she layed me down, i got back up and ran towards the bathroom. She ran after me and grabbed my wrist "Winston, you have to go to bed!" "But i have to go to the bathroom!" "Winston, naptime is important!" "BUT LOOK!" At this point, i stretched out the waistband of my shorts to show what treasures they contained. Inside was a huge mess of poop. Not hard logs, but soft casserole like brown shit, smeared all over the inside of my shorts and weighing down my underwear. She took one look, her eyes opened wide, and said "Oh my god..." She let me go to the bathroom after that. :) |
| Friday was my wedding and I ate all the finger-foods at the reception and all day saturday. This is what caused the blockage that I noticed on sunday morning. Sunday afternoon we went out to eat after church at this buffet style chinese food restaurant. Apparently their "food" wasn't too fresh and I wound up with mild food poisoning. Sunday night after being in severe abdominal pain for 4 hours but unable to pass anything the dam finally broke and the nuggets came out followed by about a gallon of watery poop. Sunday night and on into monday afternoon the diarrhea continued until my wife brought home some Immodium A-D and the flow of poop was stopped. I about passed out a couple times going from the bathroom back to the couch because of dehydration and lack of nutrients. Now I understand how those kids in brazil die from diarrhea. Its serious.... |
| i worked swing shift so it was from arround 4pm to midnight/1am. i woke up too late to eat at the chow hall so i had to get some food togo. the only thing they had available was at the shoppette onbase so i grabbed 2 beef & bean burritoes. ate those and was laying down on my cot at arround 2:00 am and felt my stomache rumbling i thought it was just gas so just stayed in my cot. and it was freezing ass cold outside so i didnt want to go outside. and at arround 3:00 am i woke up again. this time i knew i had to take a shit and slowly got out of my cot, not wanting to take a shit int he shitter tents i decided to walk to work and take a shit...(there are 3 shitting alternatives, work (the nicest, has toilets etc, porta poties the worst alternative, its got no deoderizers in it and smells aweful, and the shitter tent, not that bad) at that time the gas build up in my intestine was so bad i had to stop for a brief moment to relieve it through a 15 second long fart and started to realize that there was no way i could have made it to work to take a shit, so i slowly walked towards the shitter tent to do my business. it was the worst shit i have ever had in my life |
| I think i was 12 years old, was in the middle of the very last baseball game of our tournament, and it was my turn at bat. My stomach was making the sounds as if apocalypse was hitting Earth and it had just gone out of control. I said to my coach "i have to go to the bathroom, really. Get someone to fill in for me" he asked the ump and the ump said "no he must have his turn at bat" which made me really pissed off. So i'm standing at the plate with my ass cheeks clenched as much as i could hold them, for i knew if i waited any longer, i was going to drop an A-Bomb out of my ass. I got pitched an easy fast ball - i cranked the ball really far (i had never hit a home run that whole season) so i ran the bases, ran home, and continued to run to the stalls that were 100 yards away. I ripped open the door, smashed it shut, planted my ass on the toilet seat, and just let it go. It felt like i was giving birth out of my ass. But when it was done, i felt so refreshed. I ran back to the diamond, while my teammates were laughing at me. |
| A guy who was previously my supervisor (we'll call him Dan) has 3 brothers, and at one point they all lived next door to each other, 2 brothers per apartment. One night, Dan comes home after work at midnight, plops down on the couch, and begins to watch TV. After about an hour, his brother comes in, drunk off his gourd, with an equally inebriated female. Apparently they were both bartenders, got smashed after work, and came home to fuck. So, the brother and this girl go into his bedroom while Dan continues to watch TV. After about a half hour, Dan sees his brother rush out of the bedroom, naked except for the sheets wrapped around his body. The brother runs to the laundry room, dumps the sheets in, and runs for the bathroom. After a few minutes, the brother plops down on the couch by Dan, still wet from the shower. Dan asks, "What happened, man? Why the big rush?" To which his brother replies, "So, that girl I brought home, I was just fucking her from behind, and I feel something kind of warm and squishy on my dick. I look down and see this huge turd has snaked out of her asshole, then look up and realize she's passed out." So, the sheets were a mess, shit all over, and this girl is passed out drunk. The brother makes Dan swear that he won't say anything to anybody about it. The next morning, Dan is sitting at the breakfast table with the other two brothers from next door, when the shit-on brother comes in and sit down. Everyone is silent for a moment, until one of the brothers pipes up and says, "So, bro, I hear you fucked the shit out of some girl last night." I've gotten so many great shit stories from this guy. Too bad this is the only one I can really remember well enough to tell. |
| So I come home from work at 230am one night. Long day, very tired, been holding a giant poo since about 7pm. Decided it could wait till I get home. Well I made it home alright, proceded to take a near perfect poop. Came out easy, wasnt painfully big, no mess, one wipe clean up. a real charm. So I go to flush my little poo gem down the toilet... and all that happens, is the toilet filling up with water, and my poo going nowhere. Water procedes to flow over the brim of the toilet, and flood the floor. So there I am standing in the bathtub cursing at Vigilante to wake up and help me clean up the mess that was very likely his fault. Man did I call that one. Turns out he had choked the toilet early that day and failed to properly plunge. Needless to say, he didnt wake up so I mopped up the mess with the bathroom rug, and promptly went to bed. |
| lol, I remember one time our class went to the local YMCA to swim and play basketball and shit ( I think they were doing something to the school for the day, or our classrooms... or something) and there were a bunch of people swimming...one of them got out of the pool ran to the lifeguard person (the kid had been diving for the 5lb rubber brick) and said he went down and got something dark, but it squished, and his hand smelled like poop... needless to say I laughed at the people who had been swimming with poop in the pool, and went back to playing wallball... |
| Oh yeah and one time I was like buying computer parts at this store and I had to take a shit really bad. I ended up farting really good and then I eventually got myself to a toilet. I learned that my bvds were literally shit stained. I took them off, shoved them in the place where you get those things to put on the toilet to sit on and dug the fuck out. The reason why I stuffed them in there is because there were people right outside and I didn't want to have in my hand a bvd and actually throw it away in a garbage can in front of those people. |
| not a real 'omg im shitting my insides out with the power of an industrial sized high pressure hose' thing, but it involves poop.. sitting in my mates front yard at about 4am just chilling after a party... sitting there for ages with my beer and just thinking bout life and stuff, he calls me and says get inside or something, as im standing up i slip in something, put my hand and arm down to stabalise. get up my arms a bit wet... i thought it was the sprinklers or dew or something wet from the ice i dumped out there 2 hours earlier.. i wipe my arm and hand on my WHITE and blue shirt and creme shorts (changed from jeans because it was hot)... walk in to the front door and i hear 'uhhhhh what the fuck have you been doing?!' i turn on the front light and look at myself.. DOG SHIT EVERYWHERE!!!!! the biggest fucking turd ever, and i fucking wiped it on a 2 day old shirt ffs... i just stood there smelling worse than a pile of human shit.. and laughed. |
| Oh I just remembered a pretty horrible poop story that happened to me. When I was younger, we all used to fight on my neighbors trampoline, like have wwf matches and shit like that. Well I'm wrestling this kid we all made fun of for his terrible lisp and just because he is plain stupid. So I have him in a headlock and something starts to wreak, I look down and the kid had strained so hard he dropped a load in his pants which was now all over the trampoline and all over my damn shirt. I slowly got up without a word and walked home to cut the shirt off and take a long cold bath :( |
| I'm in a car mechanics course and was wearing my overalls... felt the need to poo, so I went and did my business.. a little runny maybe but nothing out of the ordinary. So I finish up and go outside for a cigarette... about halfway through I get a sudden rumbling in my bowels, then a few squeaks followed by the biggest urge to purge i've had in a long time. I run flat out to the bathroom, undoing my overalls on the way and burst through the stall door just in time to plant my naked ass on the seat and let it go. It was a really disgusting poo too, like light brown water with flecks of crap and then a few nuggets which I wasn't expecting caused some splashback :( But I did feel great after it. |
| When I was little, maybe 6/7 years old, my mom threw a really big halloween party. I don't know what happened exactly, but my uncle ended up getting really sick. So I went up to bathroom with him to make sure he'd be okay, and to hold his hair. While he was hunched over puking he (i found out later) somehow managed to shit himself, but he was too drunk to notice. So I walked downstairs leaving him alone and went up to my mom and was like, "Uncle Bob needs YOU to hold his hair." She was like, "why?" "Cause he smells like poop." The next day, when he recovered fully, he ended up giving me 10$ for holding his hair, and getting someone older to take care of his mess instead of leaving him in it. :D |
| I'm a twin, so for the first couple years of my life me and my brother would always be given baths together. Around the time that we were 3 years old, we were being given a bath at my dad's house, and he went to answer the phone or something, in which time I lost control and took a dump in the bathtub. My brother started freaking out, and I started crying. My dad came back running asking what was wrong. I started yelling "Buddy pooped in the tub!" Dad ended up cleaning it up, draining the tub and giving us new (and seperate) baths. We never got a bath together again after that |
| I just for back from a trip to thailand with a couple of days in hong kong for new years (christmas 2003). The last day of flying back (about 14 hours in the air, plaus all the waiting) and during this day I feel ILL. on the plane I'm uncontrollably shivering, in the vancouver airport I feel like my limbs are going to freeze off, etc. Fast forward a few days, it's about 4 am, I can't remember why I was stilla wake, but I throw on my bathrobe to get up and go get a drink or something. I was also wearing boxers. I try to let a fart go, but my sickness gets the best of me, and suddenly I realize I'm sitting in something distrubingly warm. Definetly no profit. |
| Somehow, one of the fads during the end of my senior was to have some nasty shits in the bathroom. one guy decided to just bend over and shit all over the toilet and wall. another guy had the squirts all over the floor, it ran all over the floor. lol, we all had good laughs from that now for the good stuff. i used to work at our local Albertsons. we had this club for the cashiers and courtesy clerks (bag boys) called the #2 Squad. To be in it, you had to have cleaned up shit from somewhere besides the toilet. there were 5 of us in the #2 Squad. Thank god i avoided this situation. There was a trail of shit from our candy isle to the bathroom. now from get from the candy isle to the bathroom, you need to go past 2 more isles, through our produce section, through the deli, through a seating area, and down a hallway...probably a good 80 yards. once in the bathroom, the woman (yes, it was a female) practically let loose before she got to the stall. there was shit all over the floor, over the toilet, on the wall, fuckin everywhere. the guys who had to clean it up wrapped plastic bags over their shoes, a trash bag over their shorts and shirts, goggles, and big ass gloves the people in the deli use so they dont cut their hands cleaning the blades for the deli meat. even more grosss is a lady who through her used pad on the floor of the bathroom. omg was that disgusting. the women's bathroom was always, always more disgusting than the guy's |
| All day I wasn't feeling right, didn't eat much except for some dinner (fortunately that was it). Meet up with a friend and we drive to a party about 20 min away. Chilled for a bit and drove back to our town (much closer to my house) to visit another party. Well after eating dinner I had a rumble in my stomach that kept getting worse, I had to shit, but just couldn't. After a little while at the second house I finally let it loose, obliterated the bathroom (yet this was the least of that bathrooms worries). After a few rounds I told my friend I was just going to go home for the night. I got home and the shitting continued for a few hours, to the point I was shitting and puking at the same time. Now as for that bathroom, after I had left, my friends told me a few days later that the one person I was with had done a few too many shots of everclear and vodka and destroyed that bathroom. |
| Last year during a house fire about 2.5 hours into it (fire is out we are doing overhaul) the italian food we had for dinner was making its presence know. I wasn't fortunate like some others just to puke it up on the lawn and keep on going. No it had to work its way through me and come out the other end. So now all of a sudden the urge to shit hit me and it was an urge like none other. Fortunately the neighbor across the street from the house we we're called to was nice enough to let me use his bathroom. Never dropped my gear that fast and shit so much in my life. Downside to that is one person spread rumor that I had shit myself, which didn't actually happen. |
| Someone at my college had a really bad case of the shits... he ended up having projectile diarrhea in the middle of an economics class, coating one of the chairs in hot, liquified shit. I honestly had no idea liquid could travel through denim so fast. |
| a few years ago i was working sales at a car dealership, and an old man shat on the couch in the service area. well, i think technically he shat all over the bathroom and himself, alls i know is he was with his son, waiting in the service area... next thing i know, it smells like shit, two service techs carrying couch to dumpster, old man exiled to parking lot, and someone bitching about having to clean up shit all over the bathroom. |
| when i was like 12 i was at summer camp and there was a small break period in between events like climbing, soccer, art and stuff. i always ended up taking a dump way after i needed to because i hated using the outhouses...so inbetween periods one day i went to the lunch area bathroom to take a dump, i had to go fucking BAD. i got to the door probably ready to make "the move," but it was locked. so i knocked and said that i needed to get in there quick. after seriously like 3 minutes of butt hole clenching with my whole body experiencing earth quakes every 20-30 seconds i knocked again, someone must have been jacking off in the goddamn bathroom. i gave it another painful minute and then knocked again, no response...fucking great. i was seriously about to let a load go in the lunch room. the nearest bathroom was in my cabin...like 10 minute walk up the hill. so i start a rapid waddle walk towards the main path, as i'm going up i had to stop every 20 yards to focus all my energy on holding this dump in. Every subsequent stop the clench felt like it was going to give way...when i got half way to the cabin i was at the bottom of a flight of stairs, holding the railing like i was giving birth and trying to hold this monster dump in. this shitquake was different, it was off the richter scale...i wasnt gonna make it. lucky for me i had gone in between events so everyone at camp was off doing stuff. it wasnt until a couple seconds into the quake that i realized i couldnt hold out, this monster shit log of epic proportions was like 1/3 of the way out so i quickly rearranged my boxers and athletic shorts and droped a HUGE deuce right in the middle of the walkway, i had to use the railing to keep my body from falling over after -- i think i might have an idea of what childbirth was like. i got the fuck out of there quick because there were like a thousand people at this camp and someone could have been coming by at any second. i went back to my cabin and threw my boxers away and took a shower. while i had been in the shower the event periods changed again...so i was walking to my next one and i had to go back by the shitway...keep in mind this was a main walkway. i found my gigantic turd smushed in half like a toothpaste tube with a nice fresh footprint...i laughed every time i had to walk by it for the next week. |
| I once wasn't able to wipe due to lack of material to wipe with... but I was already covered with vomit at the time so any smell was probably attributed, by others, to be the aforementioned vomit. I went home, cleaned myself and my shorts up, curled up in the bathtub and cried myself to sleep. |
| One time in...daycare when I was about 8 or so, I was taking a big shit. Well, I got up, pulled my pants up to my knees, and suddenly, without warning or noise, this HUGE stream of diarhheea comes out, splatter ALL over the stall. Horrified, I wiped myself, pulled up my pants, and ran out of the restroom...into the girls room...I hid in the handicap stall, squatting on the toilet crying. About...I dunno, ten minutes later this one kid yells "OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED IN HERE?!" I peek out, and see him tracking my shit into the middle of the daycare place. He got blamed for saying hell (lol), tracking diarhheaa in, AND making the shit; which, apparently, the janitor couldn't clean up, so his parents had to pay about a 100 dollars or so. Only one that comes to mind at the moment. |
| In gym class in Junior High I had to take one of my first public shits ever so I head to the restroom and they're out of seat covers so i think i'll beat the system and hover over the toilet while I shit. However, my ass is slightly at an angle and my shit comes out extra runny so some of it runs down my leg. To top it off my stall was out of toilet paper and the only stall next to me is taken so I have to wait until he's done with his business about 3 minutes later until I can hop in that stall to use the toilet paper. I'm afraid someone will see me get ouf of stall 1 so i go underneath Mission Impossible style Probably the dirtiest i've ever felt in my life |
| It was so embarassing at the time, but when I look back its funny as shit. I remember sitting in the back of the class needing to dump but not asking because the teacher was a bitch and probably would have said no. I crapped my pants, raised my hand and said "I pooped my pants" . Everybody in the class looked back at me, the teacher said ok, go see the school nurse and I left. Luckily I was wearing whitey titeys at the time so it was all contained. Went to the bathroom, cleaned up a bit and then got the nurse to call my mom to pick me up lol. |
| several years ago, when i was about a freshman in high school, i dropped a deuce in a chuck e cheese ball pit. About 10 minutes later i saw some mother yelling at the manager with her shit covered son standing next to her. dont really regret it though. it was awesome and would consider doing it again |
| All day, I ate and tried to sleep.No one would leave me the fuck alone to go places,so in between trying to ward them off,eat,and sleep,there wasnt any real reason or need to shit. Finnaly I decide to go the mall with these two girls. Halfway to the mall,Im thinking,fuck,i really need to take a shit. I hate fuckin public bathrooms,and I didn't want to tell these two girls to take me home to take a shit,and I didn't really want to go home anyway. I figured we would only be out for an hour or so,so I was golden. We went and bought some cigs and I picked up a dime because I didnt bring any stash with me.We went by the mall and pop canned it,then went to the food court and ate chinese food. I met up with a friend and we went outside to have a smoke. All of a sudden, I had to shit,bad. I was like,dude,I gotta shit,hes like,stfu your going to make me laugh,I gotta hit this. So by the time we were done,I was better. We lit up a cig by the movie back entrance,and he was telling me about how ciggarettes are natural laxitives etc. Believe me, I knew this,and I was about to shit myself. I was just about to decide whether to shit back in the place where we toked,or try to make it to the other end of the mall,to use the dirty ass bathrooms. Then the cop pulls up. Not the rent a cop,but a cop that wears black that patrols the mall from time to time,im pretty sure a real cop. So were standing by the door as hes walking in,and he stops and asks my friend for his id. Kids 17 and the cops starts to get this kid in trouble, when he realizes he knows this kids uncle or some shit(eventually leading to the kid gettling let off). They were talking and I didn't really want to interupt and say,excuse me,but I have to go shit. I doubted I could make it across the mall anyway. I know I would have laughed hard if i said that to a cop because I was baked and I didnt want to piss the cop off and maybe get my friend in trouble. When we go inside,I'm fine,and the girls come back with movie tickets,so we go in. We watched Talledega Nights. It was kind of boring,and by the end I wasnt even paying attention because I had to shit bad. If I would have gotten up I would have shit myself. So we stayed until after the bloopers and the credits started,and I was ok. Kid I know,who is one fucking hell of a mallrat,calls me and tells me everyone is climbing up on the roof. Well,fuck,it would be badass to climb up on the roof smoke,and probally take a shit. So he gets up there,his friend gets up there,one kid is climbing the ladder,one about to get on ladder,and I'm standing there. Three secuirity gaurds show up. Kid runs up ladder,other kid runs off,one gaurd goes up ladder,I jump behind trashcan,two cops chase kid,I run to parking lot.I called the girls,they pick me up and take me home. I go to the bathroom and unleash a spatter of shit flak and gas for 3-4 minutes,but there is this monster of a turd that just wont come out. My roomate is watching tv,not far away,loud. Then what do I hear? Now this is a story,all about how my life got flipped,turned up side down. In light of the newest influx of Bel-Air,special thanks to Nikkuh,I laughed hard. Normally it would even be noticed,because I love watching The fresh Prince,but it was fuckin funny. And PLOP out comes a avalanche of shit,and I have never felt so relieved that I can remember. Long story short,I ended up holding a huge shit in all day,and when i reached the toilet it wouldn't come out,and thanks to a laugh from teh Bel-Air theme coming from the TV,I shit. |
| [2717] 1) Farted. 2) At work. 3) It wasn't a fart. 4) I go commando. 5) ??? 6) Profit? |
| [18951] 1) Was surfing. 2) Needed poop. 3) Nearest toilet was 15 minutes away. 4) Pooped in wetsuit. 5) ??? 6) No profit. |
| [17629] 1) Snow summit. 2) Jalapeno pizza. 3) Squat over toilet. 4) Shit on the wall. 5) Friend goes in after me and laffs |
| [17629] 1) Friend had anal. 2) BF jizzed inside. 3) Couldn't shit for days. 4) Went to doctor, got medicine. 5) Finally shat, what first came out was crusty white shit. |
| [10779] 1) Go to hot chicks house. 2) Drink wine and beer. 3) Stomach problems. 4) Shit my pants and her floor. 5) ??? 6) Now shes my girlfriend. |
| [830] 1) Snowboarding. 2) Ski Lodge Food. 3) Fart it out/fall hard on ass. 4) ??? 5) Get new pants. |
| [19540] 1) In public place. 2) Fart. 3) It wasn't just a fart. 4) (A.) Get new underwear (B.) go commando (C.) try to clean it up and cover the smell of shit until I can do A or B. 5) ??? 6) No profit. I think I've done that one 5 or 6 times, but only twice has it managed to reach the underwear. Every other time I realized what was about to happen, clenched the cheeks, and waddled to the bathroom. |
| [14900] 1) Eat greasy onion rings. 2) Get in car to leave. 3) Sharted, with explosive results. 4) Go back in and wipe. 5) Go commando. 6) ??? 7) No profit. |
| [26727] 1) Rimming. 2) "Problems" appear. 3) Girl's face on the way. 4) ??? 5) No profit. |
| [8599] 1) Kindergarten. 2) Was uncomfortable shitting in public toilets. 3) Tried to keep buttcheeks squeezed while waiting for my dad to pick me up - waiting in a line in the class. 4) Pressure was too much.. little shit nugget fell out and rolled down the inside of my pants. 5) Landed next to me shoe, I kicked it away - no one noticed. 6) Teacher stepped on it. 7) ??? 8) Profit. |
| [12816] 1) Use super-jet shower head to wash ass. 2) Hit some kind of pooper nerve. 3) Shit allover the tub. 4) Drain pooper and use shampoo to hide smell. 5) ??? 6) Profit killed itself. |
| [17140] 1) Playing video games. 2) Feel an urge. 3) Resist urge and game on. 4) I feel a "fart" coming. 5) Fart came and so did the load. 6) Lost the game. 7) ??? 8) Lost at life. |
| [28208] 1) Had a soccer game at an indoor arena. 2) Had to shit before I started. (I was goalie, played all game.) 3) Walked into the stall. 4) Saw shit all over the tank and wall behind it BUT NOT ON THE TOILET SEAT, water was clean and all. 5) So nasty I washed my face/hands for just seeing it. 6) Walked out still needing to shit. 7) Lost the game 8) ??? 9) No profit. |
| [1901] Quote: this is from a friend 1) Big, big poop, too big to come out. 2) Shove fingers up ass to break up poop. 3) Poop. 4) Tell friends. 5) ??? 6) No profit. |
| [10779] 1) Bought wine and beer. 2) Went to hot chicks house. 3) Went to bar. 4) Left bar with friend and hot chick. 5) I have stomach problems. 6) Chick gets mad at friend, i walk her home. 7) We party for awhile. 8) Stomach problems happen again. 9) She takes piss. 10) I shit myself waiting for the bathroom. 11) I clean up mess. 12) Shes asleep. 13) I leave. 14) Wash/shower at home. 15) Poasting 16) ??? 17) No profit. |
| [5643] 1) Mom made awesome bean dip. 2) Took some home. 3) Ate it all while working on a web page. 4) Felt fine. 5) GF calls. 6) Immense feeling that I had to shit. 8. Stomach cramps. 9. Shitting for 2 hours, 4 flushes. 10. Visible CORN in shit. 11. Felt like ass all day today. 12) ??? 13) No profit. |
| [10972] 1) Riding bike home from Walgreens. 2) Decide to stand on bike. 3) Comes out of nowhere. 4) ??? 5) No profit. |
| [1761] 1) Dog got constipated after me + drunk friends gave it too much peanut butter. 2) Dog tries to take shit in the morning. 3) Dog yelps like crazy. 4) Dog has a blowout in the SIDE of her ass, and thick, black shit is oozing down her leg. 5) I play dumb. 6) ??? 7) PROFIT! |
| [8151] 1) Ate something weird at lunch. (can't remember.) 2) Go to the state fair with ablix and pidge and others. 3) Severe pressure on my stomach. 4) Burning of my sphincter. 5) Try and hold it in and hopefully it will pass. 6) The inevitable happens and I have to release the explosive diarrhea immediately. 7) My fear of public restrooms is far behind me. 8) Try and find the Charmin exhibit to use the wonderful cottony TP. 9) End up shitting explosively in a random bathroom, and a second time at the bathrooms right next to the campers and trailers. Got home hours later and had to liqui-shit again. |
| [15826] 1) I am pooping in this chair laughing so hard. 2) ??? 3) No profit yet. |
| [8453] 1) Haven't pooped in a week. 2) Need to poop now. 3) Can't poop because it might hurt. :( 4) ??? 5) No profit. |
| [17228] 1) I work @ Best Buy 2) Computer dept. near bathrooms. 3) Some fucker shits on floor near water fountains. 4) Inventory has to clean it up. 5) ??? 6) No profit. (Although we did make quite a bit of revenue that day.) |
| [2717] 1) Cousin and I go hunting. 2) He passed out in tree stand. 3) A hunter earlier that day had shit in said tree stand. 4) Cousin's blaze orange vest wasn't blaze orange anymore. 5) ??? 6) No Profit for anyone. :( |
| [16672] 1) Taking a big shit in the elementary school bathroom. 2) Locks don't work and some kid keeps opening it staring at me take a shit. 3) After the 3rd time I get pissed. 4) Stand up and push him, tell him to fuck off. 5) While standing up, muscles relax, shit all over myself. 6) School had no guy pants. 7) ??? 8) Wore girl pants rest of the day. |
| [25519] 1) Swallowed a penny. 2) Mom makes me eat bread for some reason. 3) I have to shit in a bag for a month and manually sift through it in search of the penny. 4) ??? 5) Never found the penny. |
| [25519] 1) Give up using toilet paper at age 5. 2) Grab the rest of it with my fingers. 3) Wipe it on the side of the sink counter. 4) Goes on for a few months. 5) Mom finds poo. 6) I am forced to clean my shit under a haze of teary frustration. 7) ??? 8) Man my mom is a fucking bitch. |
| [17228] 1) Read this thread. 2) Laugh. 3) Laugh harder. 4) Shit pants, boxers, chair. 5) Throw away pants, boxers, chair. 6) Still some profit from teh funnay. |
| [21775] Quote: When I was 8 years old, this happened. 1) I was eating a really good sandwich. 2) Drank a lot of Coke before hand. 3) Felt a fart coming on. 4) Farted, or so I thought for about 10 minutes. 5) Realized I had crap in my pants after scratching my ass. 6) Being the leet ninja that I am, I asked for my Dad's overshirt as it was cold outside and I wanted to be in the car. 7) Tied said shirt around waist and exited establishment, no one the wiser. I went outside and hid in some trees and went commando. 8) We went home, and no one ever knew. 9) ??? 10) Profit! |
| [11616] 1) I was 8. 2) I had to shit. 3) Toilet was clogged. 4) Parents both refuse to drive me somewhere to take a shit. 5) Make me shit in a bucket. 6) Brother and sister begin singing the "Mr. Bucket" song from that old commercial. 7) ??? 8) No profit. :( |
| [26840] 1) Got really sick, not pukey or shitty, but weak and achy. 2) Got better. 3) Got sick again, pukey and had some very soft poop, not liquid though. 4) First night of this is OK, think I have heartburn, drink some baking soda water and go to bed. 5) Next night, I feel the same way only worse, so I drink more baking soda water. 6) Lay down, wait for burp that I always get. 7) Next thing I know I'm puking on the side of my bed/floor. 8) I had puked so hard, that I shit my boxers a little bit. 9) Go to bathroom ASAP and let loose about a gallon and a half of liquid *sounds like pee hitting the water* shit, and start puking in the bathtub right next to it. 10) ??? 11) Profit? |
| [7156] 1) Was a little kid, like real young. 2) Still wore tighty-whiteys. 3) Went outside in 110 degree weather. 4) Sharted in my pants, totally filling my BVDs. 5) Took them off, threw the shit laden underwear in the hamper 6) Mom had to clean them when she found the shit crusted remnants a week later. 7) ??? 8) Profit. |
| [961] 1) Long night of drinking. 2) Wake up. 3) Get in car. 4) Insurmountable urge hits me. 5) Drop a duece on the side of the road. |
| [33832] 1) Have to shit all day but don't. 2) First part still no shit. 3) Second place pure liquid evil comes out my ass. 4) Go home release gallons of evil out of both ends. 5) At same time friend obliterates bathroom. 6) ??? 7) No profit. |
| [33832] 1) Major house fire. 2) Fire is out overhaul. 3) Italian food decides to make its presence known. 4) Destroy neighbors bathroom. 5) Rumor spread that I shat myself. 6) Never shat self. 7) ... 8) Profit? |
| [45255] 1) Wake up. 2) Really tired. 3) Sit on toilet. 4) Commence shitting. 5) Stand up. 6) Lift toilet seat. 7) Sit down. 8) Resume shitting. 9) ??? 10) Lysol. |
| [28893] 1) Sitting on computer before school. 2) Fart, but it was not a fart. 3) Take a shower with my pants still on. 4) Throwing up and shitting all day long. |
| [1998] 1) No paper seat cover so I hover in air so my ass won't touch the seat. 2) End up shitting on leg. 3) No TP so I have to wait for the stall next to me to finish so I can run in there. 4) 3 minutes later I crawl into next stall and proceed to wipe ass/shit off leg 5) ??? 6) Profit. |